YOUR APARTMENT – After reaching first bass, the guitar in your closet expressed impatience and the thrill at the prospect of reaching second bass. “Oooh boy I’m so excited to touch their bo…
Dumb Week
Glove model gets hand job
NEW YORK – Glove model Anton Kamilnik announced this morning with much excitement that he had finally received a hand job. “With the kind of proximity that they require,” said Kamilnik, “in…
Egyptian authorities announce discovery of 13 completely sealed copies of Shasta McNasty on DVD
CAIRO – The world was rocked today as the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities unveiled the discovery of 13 completely sealed DVDs of the late 1990s TV show Shasta McNasty. Rumors surrounding t…
“I like to put a little maple syrup in there to start my day,” says man drinking mug of maple syrup
OSHAWA – A man currently guzzling an entire mug of maple syrup admitted today that he likes to put a little maple syrup in there to get his day started right. “We all know that feeling when…
Uncircumcised man slips on turtleneck
CALEDON, ON – An exasperated Gene Snift finally yielded to the many interview requests from giggling reporters about the “turtleneck incident” that occured last week. “If I’m being totally …
From the creators of Shark Week, comes Shart Week
NATIONWIDE – From the minds that brought you Shark Week, comes an entirely original week-long thrill about accidentally pooping when passing gas, called Shart Week. “There I was, alone in t…
Death of print media leaves spy exposed
REDACTED – The widespread proliferation of newspapers once guaranteed covert operatives like John Stuggs a portable piece of cover, now agents like him are left with only their smartphones …
Report: Praying Mantises not as good at Kung Fu as legends claim
TORONTO, ON – A new study from the University of Toronto’s Centre for Martial Arts Research is suggesting that the long-held belief that mantis style kung fu was learned from watching actua…
“My, how you’ve grown,” report nation’s wolves-in-grandma’s clothes
OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them. “Uh why are my ears so…
Nation’s Victorian great uncles announce plans to marry their wards
YORK — In a joint statement to the press, a consortium of Victorian-era great uncles this week made public their intentions to marry the rich, orphaned heiresses under their legal guardianship. “…