MIAMI – Controversial online men’s influencer Andrew Tate, as well as his brother Tristan, is gradually realizing that the elite new manosphere club he has been ushered into is in fact a federal penitentiary while he awaits extradition to the UK on sex crimes charges.
Sources inside the federal detention center report a dawning clarity on the face of the self-described misogynist, who fled rape and human trafficking charges in Romania with the help of the U.S. Trump Administration.
“He seemed to think he was getting some kind of exclusive police escort,” explains U.S. Marshal Inspector William Berckett, “but that was actually just us coming to arrest him. It’s probably why he kept asking me to light his cigar.”
Behind the prison walls, where the Tates wait to be arraigned before extradition, various prisoners report the famous brothers’ inability to understand that they are facing justice as opposed to ascending to a higher circle of the online “manosphere”.
“Man, I been in prison for 10 years on assault charges, but I still got creeped out when this Tate guy kept explaining to me how women shouldn’t be able to vote and marital rape doesn’t exist,” explains Tate cellmate Vernon “Mad Dog” Jascowicz.
Some assume the Tates manosphere misunderstanding stems from being surrounded by hundreds of angry, physically-imposing career criminals, with nary a woman in sight, though others insist it’s actually just the brother’s legendary lack of self awareness. Inmates report the Tate brothers demanding to be seated in the VIP area of the prison commissary, using their one phone call to record a podcast about cryptocurrency, and mistaking an initiation beating for “a new alpha male workout routine”.
Warden Calvin Anderson attempts to explain the Tate brothers confusion. “The real online manosphere is an enclosed, tightly-enforced space full of bitter volatile men venting their anger and refusing to take accountability for their actions, so I kind of see how Tate confused that for actual prison. Still, you’d think the toothbrush shanks would’ve eventually been a giveaway.”
Reached for comment on Cell Block D, self-described “Top G” Andrew Tate seems to still not yet fully grasp that his detention is not actually a continuation of the consequence-free misogynist crime spree he has engaged in for almost a decade.
“Sure, this new manosphere has a lot less champagne and a lot more pummelings from 6 foot Aryans” explained Tate, rubbing the pube-like facial hair that he calls a beard, “But they say they’re flying Tristan and I to England next, and we’ve never had a bad experience being flown to an island before!”
