TORONTO – Following reports of Trump Cabinet members including journalists on private Signal threads, Trump officials have reportedly texted similar plans for an invasion of Canada to anchor of ...
Danielle Smith insists Trump helping Poilievre not foreign interference once we become 51st state
EDMONTON – Following a Breitbart podcast interview where Danielle Smith recalled requesting the Trump administration pause tariffs in order to help Pierre Poilievre’s campaign, the Alberta...
Carney announces April 28th will be the day Canada learns who the hell this guy is
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has confirmed that April 28th will be the date Canadians finally learn the identity of the 5th unknown man included in photo montages with Carney, Pierre Poil...
Non-confrontational couple spends night saying “Whatever works for you” before quietly falling asleep
JASPER BC—According to sources close to the matter, primarily their quietly baffled cat, Muffins, Hannah Mitchell and Victor Chang successfully spent five straight hours on Friday date night refusing ...
Carney calls April 28th election, clarifies Canadians can’t just write “Fuck Trump”
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has called for a snap election to be held on April 28th, and has specified that Canadians will be required to choose an MP in their riding, as opposed to just...
Twelve hours of not thanking the bus driver and other atrocities witnessed during Canadian version of The Purge
OTTAWA – Reports are coming in that Canadians from coast to coast engaged in horrifying acts of rudeness, thoughtlessness, and impoliteness during this year’s Purge Day: Canadian Edition. “The f...
Inside Danielle Smith’s list of demands to Mark Carney
OTTAWA – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has presented newly-sworn-in Prime Minister Mark Carney with a list of demands, along with promises to “blow up this entire country and myself so he...
Experts warn Pierre Poilievre losing election he thought he was guaranteed to win will be very, very funny
“The human body can only shake with laughter for so long.” Welcome back to The Beaverton Weekly Report! Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) talk Mark Carney...
Uninformed American excited for Canada to become “49th state”
Boise, ‘Merica – Local skimmer of news articles John Lougthrow recently exclaimed he was ‘amped’ for Canada to become the 49th state of the currently 50 United States of America. “Hard to believ...
Canada places 200% tariff on little Canadian flags Americans wear while travelling
OTTAWA – As US President Trump’s unilaterally-launched trade war continues, Canadians have struck back with counter-tariffs on a valued American item: the little Canadian flag patches Americans put on...
