HAMILTON, ON — Following their recent arrival, a new pair of tortoiseshell glasses is reportedly buckling under the weight of impossible expectations to make their owner suddenly fuckable. Sources clo...
World mourns simpler time when internet was just Chuck Norris memes
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Mourners worldwide are gathering to fondly remember a time when the internet was primarily used to share humorous memes about action star Chuck Norris, who also died today at age...
Doug Ford announces new law stating that if you’re an undercover cop you have to tell him
“Also, Freedom Of Information requests can’t apply to burner phones.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Nile Seguin) talk Trump’s not at all desperate attempt to enlist oth...
Poilievre appears on Joe Rogan podcast after accidentally polling too well with women
AUSTIN, TX – In the wake of polls showing that he may have inadvertently made marginal gains with Canadian female voters, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre immediately flew to the United Stat...
US loses World Baseball Classic bet, has to give Venezula their oil back
WASHINGTON, DC – Following their upset victory in the World Baseball Classic finals against the United States, the Venezuelan interim government is immediately collecting their winnings from a w...
Public bathroom out of soap, toilet paper, lightbulbs
MONTREAL – Sources today confirmed that a public bathroom in Mount Royal Park has completely run out of soap, toilet paper, functioning faucets, and lightbulbs. Owen Cunningham, a frequent visit...
Music festival fan regales friends about $700 show that sounds like worst experience possible
Osheaga, Quebec – Avid music festival goer Larry Rockton is in the middle of an epic story about an expensive music festival he went to recently that sounds like the worst experience a person co...
The “so much for global warming” guy at work is having a hell of a month
HAMILTON, ON — Brad Hadley, 39, better known as the “so much for global warming” guy at his workplace, is having his best winter ever. Hadley has been enjoying record levels of smug satisfaction based...
Trump to allies: “Which of you fucking losers wants to secure the Strait of Hormuz?”
WASHINGTON D.C. – With the Strait of Hormuz shut down by Iranian forces following the U.S.-Israel-led invasion, President Donald Trump has publicly invited his “pathetic baby NATO allies&#...
Tim Hortons issues recall after bagels made without burnt edges
CANADA – Tim Hortons issued a recall today for dozens of their toasted bagels that were sold without their signature burnt edges. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has classified the affected ...
