NEW YORK – A judge has ruled that U.S. Federal prosecutors cannot request the death penalty against Luigi Mangione in the killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, citing the defendantR...
Press blackout allows Ontario PCs to finally have all-nude convention
TORONTO – The decision to ban journalists and photographers from their policy convention this weekend has allowed Doug Ford’s governing PC Party of Ontario to celebrate naturism between friends and co...
Linguists stumped by decline in Winnipeg residents calling themselves ‘Peggers
WINNIPEG, MB—Language experts are struggling to explain a sharp decline in Winnipeggers describing themselves with the whimsical short form, ‘Peggers. A recent study finds that the once-common term ha...
Local Blu-ray player used to be PlayStation 3
VICTORIA, B.C. – Local thirty-five-year-old Dion Miller has reportedly salvaged his old PlayStation 3 from a storage bin and repurposed it as his last way to watch Blu-rays, a move that has delighted...
Man who wouldn’t wear mask to protect people fine wearing mask to shoot them
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – A man who refused to wear a mask to protect other people in 2020 has declared he has no problem wearing one while shooting them. Kyle Weekes, 31, was staunchly anti-mask during the C...
Carney opens Quebec speech by saying “We all agree Maurice Richard was overrated right?”
“I’m just saying: he wouldn’t even make the league today.” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood and Ian MacIntyre) are joined by Edmonton’s own Henry Sir (Current Events C...
FBI director tells Americans not to bring guns to protests, schools still okay
WASHINGTON – Following the killing of Alex Jeffrey Pretti in Minneapolis, FBI director Kash Patel has advised American citizens participating in anti-ICE demonstrations to leave their firearms at home...
Carney uninvited to join Trump’s ‘Board Of Peace’ alongside Putin, Netanyahu, Lex Luthor, Megatron
WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump disinvited Prime Minister Mark Carney from his newly-established “Board of Peace”, comprised of Trump, various war criminals, authoritar...
Trump threatens tariffs on champagne so nobody can celebrate when he dies
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a whirlwind week at Davos, and despite backtracking on threats to annex Greenland, US President Donald Trump is still threatening to tariff Champagne to keep people from pa...
Trump demands Carney give him his standing ovation from Davos
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND – Following his poorly-received and rambling address at the World Economic Forum, U.S. President Donald Trump angrily demanded that Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney persona...
