EDMONTON — Academics studying Alberta separatism are concerned that the province’s upcoming referendum could be swayed by other countries, or anything else capable of capturing the half-second attention span of separatist voters.
“Social media accounts based in Russia and the United States are claiming that separation will be far easier and more profitable than it would be in reality,” a University of Alberta political scientist said. “And some separatists are already demanding that Alberta invest its entire budget into jingling keys and brightly-wrapped candy.”
Researchers are warning that months of intensive propaganda and amusing Happy Meal toys could prove a potent combination as campaigning ramps up.
“This Facebook post, for example, promises that ‘everyone who supports separation will get a free vroom vroom,’” a University of Calgary professor said. “It’s unclear if they mean a real car or just a model, but everyone certainly seems excited about the accompanying AI artwork of Mark Carney crying at the sight of a Hot Wheels truck draped in the Alberta flag.”
While interference from hostile states and magpies flying around with neat objects in their beaks will remain a major concern as Alberta’s October referendum approaches, voters have rejected the suggestion that they are susceptible to outside influence.
“It takes a freethinker like me to separate the corporate cucks in mainstream media from real Albertans with real interests like @MedicineHatMikhail and @CrunktasticMemesForFreeBanffians,” said one separatist campaigner, before breaking off to chase an Arby’s wrapper down the street after mistaking it for a five-dollar bill.
“I resent the implication that our movement lacks a serious intellectual framework,” another voter said. “When I said that Alberta could easily afford its own air force, it wasn’t just because I watched Top Gun over the weekend. I also watched the sequel.”
At press time, a separatist Discord channel was fiercely debating whether a free Alberta should have three or four Jurassic Parks.
