Reports indicate Prime Minister Carney has asked Canadian premiers to remove their individual U.S. alcohol bans, as federal officials attempt to finalize a trade deal with the Trump administration. In exchange for lifting their bans, here are the specific demands made by each of Canada’s thirteen premiers.
SUSAN HOLT – NEW BRUNSWICK
“15 minutes in a locked room with (U.S. ambassador to Canada Pete) Hoekstra, me, and a 2×4 made of New Brunswick lumber.”
DOUG FORD – ONTARIO
“I was gonna ask Carney to allow jets at Billy Bishop airport, but he’s definitely not gonna do that right after the upcoming by-election… so whatever, just make me emperor of Toronto.”
DAVID EBY – BRITISH COLUMBIA
“Mark Carney has to personally visit every First Nations resident to get yelled at over the Alberta-B.C. pipeline that’s still getting built.”
JOHN MAIN – NUNAVUT
“Nunavut demands recognition as Canada’s largest, and therefore best, province/territory.”
CHRISTINE FRÉCHETTE – QUEBEC
“Anyone who speaks English more than 49% of the time gets fed to the Churchill Falls Generating Station.”
TIM HOUSTON – NOVA SCOTIA
“Wait, we’re allowed to make demands?”
DANIELLE SMITH – ALBERTA
“We never took American booze off our shelves, but I still get a wish, right? Eby’s balls on a pike!”
ROB LANTZ – PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
“Legalize lobster wine, you cowards.”
R.J. SIMPSON – NORTHWEST TERRITORIES
“We demand a reciprocal deal where Americans force their citizens to get married, so they have to buy our exported diamonds.”
SCOTT MOE – SASKATCHEWAN
“Whatever Danielle said.”
TONY WAKEHAM – NEWFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR
“Come From Away 2 will now feature American travellers gettin’ smacked around right good.”
WAB KINEW – MANITOBA
“Every bottle of U.S. booze sold in Manitoba will feature a photo of Trump and Epstein hanging out.”
CURRIE DIXON – YUKON
“Carney has to build us a wall to keep out Alaskans.”
