PUGLIA, ITALY ― Olive oil is a household staple, with extra-virgin varieties particularly prized for their minimal processing. But with fewer and fewer people saving themselves for marriage, one …
Breaking: Some sort of entirely futile climate conference happening again
A LARGE CITY WE DIDN’T BOTHER TO LOOK UP ― World leaders are once again convening to draw up a set of ambitious promises they definitely won’t fulfill, toothless goals which wouldn’t do much anyw…
Lazy, entitled teacher to spend entire weekend grading essays again
Strathmore, AB ― Sources confirm that local 11th- and 12th-grade English literature teacher Marian Jansen has already made plans for the weekend, and they once again involve just sitting around o…
Study: 97% of temporary insanity cases caused by those goddamned cicadas
EVERYWHERE, ALL AROUND YOU, ALL THE TIME ― A report conducted this summer by the University of Guelph has found that 97% of reported cases of temporary insanity in Canada are triggered exclusivel…
Local contrarian takes immense pleasure from people’s expressions upon learning he’s never seen Star Wars
GRAVENHURST, ON ― Local middle manager and willful snob Kenneth Thomas had a fantastic time last night, when a party he attended gave him a chance to casually reveal to a host of new people that …
5 fun or cheap activities to make the most of summer, and yes, we did mean “or”
OTTAWA – The long weekend is coming up, and you’re seeking ways of maximizing your time while minimizing your expenses. But every listicle promising low-cost excitement disappoints you with…
Brilliant strategy of hiring dozens of untrained employees somehow fails to boost productivity
STOUFFVILLE, ON ― Local businesses were puzzled this week to find that hiring droves of inexperienced employees with no time allotted to train them had not helped increase their productivity to m…
John Tory announces new “Vision Zero money spent on road safety” initiative
TORONTO, ON ― After years of failure to deliver road safety measures that in any way resemble the innovative Swedish program whose name they bear, John Tory recently unveiled plans for a more att…
Local man wishes there was more he could do about Roe v. Wade
WILMINGTON, DELAWARE ― With the ramifications of the reversal of Roe v. Wade beginning to ripple across the country, pro-choice Americans are seeking out ways of helping maintain access to aborti…
Tim Hortons announces plan to branch out into coffee, doughnut markets
OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classi…