QUEEN’S PARK – Salt-of-the-earth Ontarian Premier Doug Ford acknowledged that the province had made the ultimate sacrifice of getting him a used private jet for the discounted price o…
Hungary admits it voted out Orbán just to see look on JD Vance’s face
BUDAPEST ― The Central European nation of Hungary celebrated the victory of Péter Magyar today, and specifically, the accompanying incredibly silly scowl it put on JD Vance’s already perpetually-…
Doug Ford launches transparent effort to end transparency
QUEEN’S PARK – Pitching itself as “one of the most transparent governments in the history of Ontario,” the Ford government has announced that it will radically curtail transparency. T…
Scientists pinpoint exact age when doing your best no longer good enough
CALGARY, AB ― After decades of analyzing report card data, Little League statistics, university drop out rates, and recordings of just fucking terrible violin etudes provided by the Royal Conserv…
Dictator frees Venezuela from dictator
CARACAS, VENEZUELA ― In a stunning shift after over a decade of dictatorial rule, the government of Venezuela fell this weekend to a new, slightly different dictator. Following his autocratic ove…
Ethical store only overworks employees without anyone to spend holidays with
SMITHS FALLS, ON ― In an attempt to assuage customers’ consciences and boost last-minute Christmas Eve sales, local handmade clothing store, The Silver Thread, has announced that they will not fo…
Study: Bilingual people forget twice as many words after hitting middle age
OTTAWA, ON ― An alarming new study out of the University of Ottawa suggests that years of recommendations to learn a new language in order to stave off cognitive decline may in fact have the oppo…
Complex, timeless masterpiece of classical music conjures up only images of cartoon rabbit in drag
CORNWALL, ON ― 39-year-old landscaper Talia Arsenault became painfully aware of her total lack of refinement recently, when a symphony that had weathered centuries of cultural change thanks to it…
Gullible mother falls for voice cloning scam even though her son would obviously never call
NORVAL, ON ― A 74-year-old woman lost over $60 000 from her retirement savings yesterday in a sophisticated, but in her situation, quite obvious scam, police say. Gina Rossi was just preparing to…
Local car crash victim remembered as “nothing special, if we’re being honest”
SUDBURY, ON ― Friends and family of 23-year-old Seamus Bryant are coming together to express their extreme shock and substantially more moderate grief for what they unanimously described as a “pe…
