Breaking: man lies about dating teenager, but not in the way you’d expect

LOS ANGELES – Musician and former famous person Moby is in the news for resolutely insisting he dated actress Natalie Portman when he was in his mid-thirties and she was a Harvard freshman …

Other famous political assassinations by milkshakes

With the recent murder of Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage by milkshake, the dangerous dairy beverage has been a popular weapon of choice for political assassins throughout history. Here are some…

Worst American pardons fourth-worst Canadian

TORONTO – Canada’s fourth-worst person, Conrad Black, is celebrating alone after receiving a pardon from America’s worst individual, their president. “If being the worst is a crime,” Trump told r…

Parents finally buy 30-year-old woman Motorola Razr

TORONTO – After nearly two decades, a family feud was finally put to rest during a celebratory dinner after 30-year-old Karleigh Byrne was gifted a Motorola Razr V3 by her parents for her recent …

Fans angry Game of Thrones ended with all contenders saying “good game” and slapping hands

VANCOUVER – Fans around the world are furious about the Game of Thrones series finale, which consisted of nearly eighty uninterrupted minutes of the characters congratulating each other for…

Police called on man trying to control women’s bodies

BEAMSVILLE, ON – Niagara Regional Police were called on a man accused of advocating for the coercion of women into having children, and preventing access to safe and legal health services. …

John Wick 3 Review: Is this, like, feminism?

Feminism is a collection of social and political movements with the goal of achieving equality of the genders. John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum is a stylized action movie about a highly tr…

QUIZ: Oh God, what now?

It’s been a long week! You’re tired, fed up, and the pizza you’re eating to make yourself feel better is weirdly making you feel worse. But after a long day of staring at a screen, it’s time to r…

Game of Thrones writers petition fans to write their own goddamn show, if they’re so smart

HOLLYWOOD – After a petition demanding that the writers of Game of Thrones rewrite the final season received over half a million signatures this week, David Benioff and D. B. Weiss fired back wit…

Distraught 20-something holds up LCBO until cashier asks to see their ID

HAMILTON – Patrons and employees of a Hamilton LCBO underwent a harrowing ordeal last night after a 20-something adult held up the cashier at knifepoint. According to eyewitnesses, the altercatio…