New sportsbetting app boasts 80% addiction rate
TORONTO – A popular new sportsbetting app, BetDuel Sportsbook & Casino, advertises “all the fun of sportsbetting and casino slots right in your pocket, plus 4 in 5 odds of develo…
Creators of AI-generated actress unsure if coolest part is the creepiness or the stealing
PALO ALTO, CA – The inventors of Tilly Norwood, a computer generated character built using artificial intelligence, enthusiastically insist their creation is both unsettlingly lifeless and …
Inspiring! This elbowless man manages to hold down a full time job as a Prime Minister
Mark Carney may look like just another Canadian Prime Minister. But don’t let that fool you. The most inspiring part of his story isn’t that he went to Harvard, or even that he’s made millions wo…
Pentagon warns Toronto ‘dangerously close’ to winning World Series
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following last night’s elimination of the New York Yankees, the United States Department of War has advised the White House that the Toronto Blue Jays are “per…
Ottawa residents plan 12 month ‘fireworks and honking’ festival outside Freedom Convoy Leaders’ homes
“The fact that our festival runs the exact same length of time as their house arrest sentence is mere coincidence, we assure you.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Megan MacKay and …
PM Carney announces Charter of Rights to be renamed Charter of Optional Ideas
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney held a press conference today to announce a renaming of the “Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms”, the document that enshrined our foundational set o…
Danielle Smith announces plans to hold her breath until she gets what she wants
EDMONTON – After meeting with Mark Carney to discuss pipeline construction, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has vowed to hold her breath until the Prime Minister gives her absolutely everything sh…
Alberta government to ban the number 58,008 in schools
CALGARY — With the province’s teachers on strike, Danielle Smith’s UCP government has tabled new legislation banning the use of the number 58,008, in order to “protect Alberta’s most precio…
Connor McDavid signs two-year, $25M deferral of Leafs fans’ speculation
EDMONTON – Connor McDavid and the Maple Leafs fanbase have agreed to a two-year, $25 million deferral of all overoptimistic conjecture about the Oilers captain one day signing with Toronto. The c…
Nobel Prize in Medicine awarded to hospital administrators for breakthroughs in surliness
OSLO – Today the Nobel committee announced that they have awarded this year’s prize in Physiology or Medicine to everyone who works as an administrator in a hospital for breakthroughs in su…
