Apple TV+ spends $1 billion on the perfect film, then burns it as a tax write-off

Cupertino, CA- Apple TV+, the free-spending streaming service run as a ploy to lower its parent company’s tax bill, announced today that it has financed, produced, and set fire to a monumen…

North York condo penthouse boasts dazzling views of absolutely nothing

Move over Burj Khalifa, you’ve got to check out this just listed North York penthouse condo with breathtaking views of nothing whatsoever. Featuring floor to ceiling 360 degree panoramic windows …

STUDY: 95% of Millennial birds expect to never own their birdhouses

OTTAWA – A recent survey of birds born in the early 90s shows that three out of four of them expect to never own the birdhouse they live in, and will have to rent from humans forever. “When…

Trump says Canada backing Palestinian statehood jeopardizes U.S. trade deal he was gonna break anyway

WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S.President Donald Trump has announced that Canada’s decision to recognize Palestinian statehood will “make it very hard for us to make a Trade Deal with them, which I h…

Home prices plummet from ‘not a fucking chance’ to ‘look into buying for 5 seconds before giving up’ levels

“If prices keep falling we could even get to ‘talk to your bank and get quickly laughed out of the room’ levels. We haven’t been that low since 2019!” Luke and the P…

Elder Millennial opens zip file of cherished memories

Brandon, MB – While doing some cleaning around her hard drive, local 39-year-old Hannah Greensly has stumbled upon an old zip file containing all her photos from the aughts and is currently…

Local car crash victim remembered as “nothing special, if we’re being honest”

SUDBURY, ON ― Friends and family of 23-year-old Seamus Bryant are coming together to express their extreme shock and substantially more moderate grief for what they unanimously described as a “pe…

Western World to recognize Palestine as a state in September if it’s still there

PARIS/LONDON/OTTAWA – The governments of France, the UK and Canada have said they will do what’s morally right and recognize Palestine’s right to exist as a nation as early as September, pr…

End of days? Shoppers pharmacy answers phone

WINNIPEG – A local Shoppers Drug Mart has spurred rumours of the apocalypse after its pharmacy opted to pick up the phone. The Shoppers pharmacy has become so notorious for its lack of communicat…

Man stranded on desert island regrets bringing favourite album instead of flare gun

 PACIFIC OCEAN – According to nautical sources, 36-year-old Damian Clarke regrets not bringing fundamental survival supplies to an abandoned island in favour of packing 3 Doors Down’s smash hit d…