Canada’s Wonderland opens tallest, longest rollercoaster line on Earth

VAUGHAN, ON- Stretching as far as the eye can see, this season, Canada’s Wonderland has opened the world’s longest, tallest, biggest and steepest line to a rollercoaster than any other line…

Only person not laundering money in casino loses another hand of poker

VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate that the only guy in a casino not laundering money has lost yet another round of Texas Holdem. 36-year-old Jack Hugen’s initial strategy of playing fewer …

Anti-vax protest cancelled due to measles outbreak

PORTLAND, OR — A protest planned by the parents group “Vaccine Rights Now” has been postponed due to a local measles outbreak which has hospitalized dozens. “I would rather be out there pro…

The 5 best podcasts no one cares you’re listening to

Podcasts have quickly emerged as one of the most prevalent modes of entertainment, with infinite options to fit every need and niche. With the rise of podcasts has come an equally prevalent rise …

29 things you didn’t know about Andrew Scheer and will NOT enjoy learning

Every person in the world has a lot of interesting things about them that you do not know but would love learning, and for a high-powered politician with a history in national politics, even more…

Alabama outlaws having an unoccupied uterus

MONTGOMERY, AL – In a contentious vote of 25 to 6, the legislature of the state of Alabama has passed a comprehensive bill making it a crime for anyone residing in the state to have an empt…

Report: Saskatchewan man somehow more upset with neighbour flying Blue Bombers flag than other neighbour flying Nazi flag

KELLIHER, SK – A local man has demanded that someone should tear down and burn his neighbour’s Winnipeg Blue Bombers flag while ignoring his other neighbour’s flagrant display of hate and r…

Singh: “I have never always not not not not not not not supported LNG fracking”

OTTAWA – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh claimed that he has always never maybe supported fracking and the BC LNG pipeline. “We have always never not not not not not,” he said, before pausin…

“I couldn’t imagine life without my kids,” says man who looks like complete shit

REGINA – Local man Edward Thompson has told friends, family and several strangers at a Starbucks that life is meaningless without kids, all while looking like an exhausted drug addict who i…

Smiths Falls resident chasing big city dreams in Brockville

BROCKVILLE, ON – A bright-eyed 22-year-old has left his hometown of Smiths Falls to pursue his passions in the mega city of Brockville. Daryll Faber, an aspiring industry labourer has set h…