Person sobbing in bathroom stall next to you really killing the vibe

WORK’S BATHROOM STALL – Your usually tranquil visit to the washroom took a turn for the worst after someone burst into the stall next to you and began sobbing uncontrollably. The routine ba…

Children’s wish organizations overwhelmed with requests to meet, murder Brad Marchand

BOSTON – Children’s wish charities throughout Canada and the United States have been overwhelmed by requests from kids to meet Boston Bruins player Brad Marchand or have him murdered. With …

Exhausted Ontario PC staffers pull all-nighter brainstorming more alcohol based policies

TORONTO – Dozens of unkempt and haggard PC staffers greeted the morning dawn from the offices of Queen’s Park this morning, having spent the entire night trying to think of more alcohol rel…

Heartbroken woman betrayed by imaginary boyfriend after discovering he’s already married

HALIFAX – Romantic tragedy struck yesterday when 30-year-old Tina McCullough discovered that Brian Huntington, her imaginary boyfriend of two years, was already secretly married to another woman.…

Rest of Canada wishes B.C. and Alberta would just get it over with and fuck already

EVERYWHERE IN CANADA EXCEPT ALBERTA AND B.C. – After months of squabbles between Alberta and B.C., the other Canadian provinces are sick and tired of seeing them at each other’s throa…

Fans cheer as Avengers: Endgame brings closure to cinema as a whole

HOLLYWOOD — As Marvel Studios’ epic film Avengers: Endgame breaks box office records, fans across the world have cheered as it offers a thrilling finale to every film ever made up to this p…

Local woman decimates office foe with ‘As per my last email’ knockout

CALGARY – In a tactical move that experts are applauding for its cold-hearted precision, Meeghan Summers obliterated her long-time office rival Irina Kowalski with an “As per my last email”…

Mandatory anti-carbon tax stickers must be placed on the faces of all Ontario residents by today

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s new law requiring everyone in the province to stick an anti-carbon tax decal in the middle of their faces kicks in today. Officials from the Ministry o…

Coconut oil can solve any problem, and yes I’d like to sell you some

By: Dennis Hopf The wheel. Penicillin. Coconut oil. Perfect inventions that unlocked humanity’s potential. During this boring bus ride, allow me to clarify in plain language why coconut oil will …

Court rules that mansion’s portal to hell not valid reason for buyer backing out of real estate deal

VANCOUVER – A BC court has ruled that nondisclosure of the existence of a portal to hell on a property does not entitle the purchaser to a refund of their deposit if they chose to terminate…