Houseplant wishes you’d let it die already

TORONTO – After six long months of suffering in an unforgiving climate with insufficient sunlight and warmth, Fernice the fern desperately wishes you could understand just how much it yearn…

Makers of Chess announce $20 Mecha Queen DLC

VANCOUVER – Chess is an ancient game which can be traced back to being nearly 1500 years old, with gameplay remaining largely unchanged over the past 500 years. That is exactly why the deve…

Canada replaces customary diplomatic gifts with customary shipping container full of household waste

OTTAWA – As per a new directive issued by Global Affairs, foreign dignitaries visiting Canada will be gifted with several shipping containers full of traditional Canadian household waste. T…

Ford announces cut to planned cuts, maintains future cuts will not be cut

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced that the retroactive cuts he had previously announced to municipal budgets have been cut, but that the future cuts are uncut. “We have cut …

No one on Raptors has the heart to tell Drake he’s not on the team

TORONTO – Despite years of knowing he was never an official member of the Toronto Raptors, players haven’t found the courage to tell Drake that he’s not on the team. “It was adorable when h…

Morrissey reveals The Smiths song “This Charming Man” about David Duke

LOS ANGELES – In a new interview, Morrissey has revealed that The Smiths famous hit “This Charming Man” was actually written about former Grand Wizard of the KKK, David Duke. Fans were almo…

“I won’t reopen the abortion debate” Andrew Scheer reiterates while winking, nodding and miming being pregnant

OTTAWA – Following a slew of anti-abortion laws being passed in the United States and heightened concerns that the same thing might happen in Canada, Conservative leader Andrew Scheer has a…

Editorial: It’s time we think about canceling babies

By Fantine Hathaway Babies are the purest manifestation of narcissism and entitlement. It’s 2019 and I am ready to speak my truth; babies must be cancelled! I can say that because I’ve been a bab…

7 easy life hacks to gain unauthorized access to computer systems by exploiting security weaknesses!

Your life is jam-packed with time consuming busyness, so it’s nice to know there are ways to make things a little more simple and efficient. Whether you’re at home or at work, there are always wa…

BREAKING: Phone dead, laptop dead, iPad dead, in tragic technology massacre

MONCTON, NB — Three Apple products were pronounced dead at the scene this morning in what law enforcements are calling, “A technology triple homicide.” “It is difficult for me to comprehend…