Nation’s dads demand investigation into where the hell this moron learned how to drive

OTTAWA – The nation’s dads assembled on Parliament Hill today demanding that Transport Canada investigate where in the hell this moron learned how to drive and who exactly was the idi…

Productivity Hack: find one thing you want to do each day and then really hate yourself if you don’t do it

For many of us, it can be hard to get motivated, especially if we have a lot of demands on our time. That’s why productivity experts are suggesting an innovative new approach to getting things do…

Banks concerned looming recession may hinder Millennial ability to build up crippling debt

OTTAWA — This week, financial analysts reported that the North American economy is showing major signs of a looming recession, which could negatively impact the abilities of youths to owe b…

Unimaginative Alice in Wonderland School play contains total lack of psychedelic drugs

Whitby, ON – A production of Alice in Wonderland staged at P.L. Thomas Elementary School has reportedly disappointed many audience members due to the directors and cast’s unfortunate failure to e…

Make-Out Point officially renamed “Butt-Stuff Hill”

GRADSVILLE, AB –  “Make-Out Point,” the spot which overlooks the city and has served as a romantic getaway for young couples to drive to since the 1950s, was officially been renamed “Butt-S…

Zombie therapist wants patients to know that they can’t keep running from their problems

TORONTO – Licensed therapist and recently alive man Dr. Mark Conway wishes everyone would understand that simply fleeing from their problems is unhelpful, unhealthy, and frankly, a little s…

Take it from me, an opinion columnist with no expertise, the MMIWG Commission’s use of the term genocide is wrong

By: Hubert Anderson I hate to be the one to say it, because I consider myself a long time supporter of indigenous Canadians. But in my opinion the claim in the MMIWG Final Report that the deaths …

Ottawa residents spontaneously construct trailer park after third tornado

OTTAWA – Locals from the Ottawa-Gatineau area have spontaneously constructed an extensive trailer park to fit its new role as Canada’s tornado alley. Over 200 mobile homes and trailers have…

Money finally arrives in your account after harrowing 5-day transfer

TORONTO – Overcoming seemingly impossible odds after having faced a gruelling heroic journey deep within the bowels of the financial system, the $67.89 you transferred from PayPal to your b…

Corner store clerks have busy weekend issuing lifetime bans to disruptive customers

TORONTO – Clerks at corner stores across the province were kept busy last weekend kicking out elected officials performing staged photos in front of empty shelves and issuing them lifetime …