Oh no! Kawhi Leonard is now King of the North and he has no idea how to give legislation Royal Assent!

Now that Kawhi Leonard has been crowned King of the North and has replaced the Queen as our Sovereign, he’s got no clue on how to issue a Royal Assent, appoint a Prime Minister or proroguing Parl…

Kawhi Leonard celebrates by staring at different wall

TORONTO — Following the Raptor’s first ever NBA championship victory, and his win as series MVP, Kawhi Leonard reportedly let his emotions run wild by turning slightly to his left, and star…

Update: Fuck hockey

TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada. Despite hundreds of billions of hours the …

Joe Biden campaign begs parents to stop letting their children interact with Joe Biden

PHILADELPHIA – Joe Biden’s presidential campaign made the unprecedented move today of pleading with his supporters to stop bringing children to any event attended by the former vice preside…

Study shows women without spouses are happier, healthier and so horny

OTTAWA, ON — A recent study has revealed that women without the partnership of a spouse exhibit characteristics of more happiness, better health and the most horniness a person can feel. Th…

Scientists taught this bear to mimic facial expressions but in a mean way

VANCOUVER – Bear lovers rejoice! We are officially one step closer to fully communicating with our furry friends. For the first time in history, scientists have taught a bear to mimic human facia…

Montreal riots after Boston loss

MONTREAL – Hundreds of rowdy revelers were arrested and businesses were looted in Montreal after an opposing team beat the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. “We did it!” said Michel Tan…

Local woman adds additional book on productivity to impressive collection of half-read books on productivity

TORONTO – After a shopping trip to the Eaton Centre earlier today, Michelle Johnson returned home with yet another book on productivity to add to her already vast collection of never finish…

CRA defends “Twelve strikes, you’re out!” rule for millionaire tax dodgers

OTTAWA – The Canada Revenue Agency is insisting that another secret settlement that allows wealthy individuals and corporations who engaged in offshore tax avoidance schemes to avoid public…

Millennial lottery winner excited to finally quit one of his five jobs

VANCOUVER – Thirty-one year old lottery winner Michael R. Fernandez announced today that his recent winnings will allow him to finally hand-in his notice of resignation at one of the five j…