Trump announces tariff on Canada’s three-pointers

OAKLAND, CA – US President Donald Trump has issued trade sanctions against all of Canada’s three-pointers. The President applied Section 232 Trade Expansion Act which slapped a one-point fi…

Belize changes national anthem to ‘Belize It or Not, I’m Walking on Air’

BELMOPAN, BELIZE- After a parliamentary debate that stretched into the wee hours, the government of Belize, the Central American country of approximately 400,000 people changed its national anthe…

Caledon teen debates pawning grandparent’s Royal Canadian Mint collection to pay for coke

CALEDON, ON – Last Friday, Davin Charles, 17, was gifted a collection of Royal Canadian Mint, forcing Charles into a difficult predicament when he realized it’s resale value was the equivalent of…

Report: Laptop tired of staying up until 3am every night

TORONTO – According to reports, Stephanie McGrath’s laptop simply can’t keep up with her late nights, most often consisting of google searches such as “Tilda Swinton how old” and Buzzfeed q…

NBA streams subreddit becomes Canada’s #1 TV provider

TORONTO – Following the Raptors’ incredible postseason run, Canadian TV ratings agencies and sources inside web content aggregator Reddit confirmed today that the subreddit r/nbastreams has…

Scheer marches in Pride after mistaking parade for Yellow Vest demonstration

SASKATOON – Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer found himself unintentionally marching in a local pride parade after mistaking the celebration for a Yellow Vest demonstration. Last week…

Man who waited in line for three days to get into Jurassic Park horrified to discover he can just watch game at home

TORONTO – Local man Jerome Dobbins, who has been waiting in line to get into Toronto’s famed Raptors viewing party square since Saturday at 9am, was shocked and quite frankly furious to dis…

Scientists hate him! No particular reason he’s just awful

BRAMPTON – After months of grueling and complicated experiments and tests, scientists have come to the conclusion that Kyle Smith-Reynolds is a completely awful human being and they hate hi…

Dark Phoenix Review: You’d think after 13 X-Men films, at least ONE would be about professional candle making, but NO

With the release of its final X-franchise offering, Fox has hammered the final nail into the coffin of a franchise that has refused to accurately depict the time-honoured art of candle making, de…

Tesla reveals plans for self-actualizing car

MENLO PARK – This week, technology giant Tesla Motors announced plans to design and build a new generation of self-actualized cars. “I envision a world where we own cars that not only drive…