Los Angeles, CA – Tech billionaire Elon Musk announced today, after years of research and million of dollars, that he has finally found a way to put his penis inside the physical constant of gra...
Barrick Gold entombs fifty foreign miners in Peter Munk’s pyramid so he’ll have workers to abuse in afterlife
TORONTO – Deceased Barrick Gold founder and philanthropist Peter Munk will be laid to rest this week in his family’s pyramid along with fifty still-living miners so he can always have someone to...
Doug Ford commits to reducing UN spending, upholding Second Amendment, and granting independence to Catalonia
TORONTO – After suggesting that he would cut the federally funded CBC, Ontario PC Leader Doug Ford has also made some bold pledges including a reduction in UN spending, granting independence to ...
Study confirming your life is weird and sad passes peer review
Toronto – A study confirming that you lead a bad and pathetic life has passed peer review: even though this has always been obvious, even to the layperson. “Obviously getting published in ...
Woman on vacation wonders how much guilt to unpack
CAYO COCO, CUBA – Mother of three, Tricia Spumante, was eagerly awaiting her much needed vacation at an all inclusive resort when it struck her that she had to unpack all the guilt that was acco...
Believe me, the feeling is mutual
By: Kathleen Wynne Look, you may think I’m aloof, cocooned in my Toronto bubble. But I’ve seen the same poll numbers you have. According to Forum and Ipsos-Reid, Ontarians overwhelmingly loathe me. So...
REPORT: Roommate actually does have job
TORONTO, ON- A new study finds that your roommate Tad actually does leave the house sometimes, and that he does, in fact, sometimes leave the house to go to work. “Not that it’s any business of yours,...
Mean-spirited teenagers bully poor, defenceless NRA
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Rifle Association is struggling after a group of teenagers used aggressive bullying tactics to disrespect and humiliate the innocent arms advocates. NRA spokesper...
Parliament Security ask NDP leader Jagmeet Singh to stop putting reserved signs on chairs in the public gallery
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
National Pride: Tim Hortons cup represents Canada in Great Pacific garbage patch
PACIFIC OCEAN – A Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win Tim Hortons cup has been discovered in the Pacific Ocean’s giant garbage vortex, indicating that Canada is adequately represented among polluting nations...
