Toronto, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has been submitted for extensive testing today after Conservative Party Executives expressed that he was beginning to exhibit symptoms of socialism. …
Trump refuses to visit Canada until government destroys McCain SuperFries
OTTAWA – The Canadian government was contacted by Trump aides today, demanding the removal of all McCain products from Canadian food suppliers in order keep the American president from thin…
Republicans furious to see Obama running for third term
Washington D.C – Republicans have expressed outrage today at the news that a man whom they are positive is former President Barack Obama has entered the race for democratic nominee, vying f…
New Canada Food Guide recommends sharing food with friends, you sad lonely fucks
TORONTO – Experts at Health Canada that loneliness is a large factor in proper nutrition, suggesting that Canadians could make huge improvements to their diets, if they stopped being such a…
Escape Room provides authentic experience of having girlfriend solve your problems for you
VAUGHAN, ON – Local woman, Caroline Burton, visited Lockpick Escape Rooms this past Thursday to play a new fantasy themed puzzle, “Deep Dungeons of the Darkspawn Guild” with her boyfriend, …
7 holiday party ideas for people so overwhelmed by the world they can no longer experience joy
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The holidays are a time when everyone can get along, share and love one another. Sure, it’s been a couple of tough years, and it’s left you feeling numb,…
Man refuses to accept anesthesia in case ‘lady surgeon’ needs advice
TORONTO, ON – Insisting that that he would like to be available to offer his opinion, should his ‘lady surgeon’ require any helpful tips or advice on how to perform the procedure, local man…
Archeologists determine newly uncovered artifact either torture device or women’s fashion
LONDON, UK – Archeologists have uncovered a series of artifacts dated to the 6th century in Northern France this week, identifying them as either an instrument of torture and humiliation, …
Canadian backpacker joins migrant caravan for ‘authentic Central American experience’
TIJUANA, MEXICO – Canadian Backpacker, Max Henderson, 22, previously reported missing during his backpacking trip through Central America, has been found traveling with a caravan of over 40…
Gender-affirming surgery “not what God intended,” says woman with breast implants
WATERLOO, ON – A local woman has come out firmly against the use of gender-affirming surgery, calling on transgender people to ‘love your body the way God made it,’ even though she is a frequen…