PARIS – In a curious display of activist incompetence, a protestor intent on gluing himself to a famous painting has instead found himself accidentally glued to another, unrelated protestor present fo...
Entire North American GDP just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat
OTTAWA – It was with a mix of embarrassment and concern that economists announced yesterday that almost the entire North American GDP, long thought to be a mature economy, is actually just 26,00...
Horrible teacher about to become even worse student
TORONTO – Former University of Toronto professor Jordan Peterson has agreed to take social media training in order to keep his license to practice psychology from the College of Psychologists of...
Adele releases new song about just going to the mall and hanging out with cute boys
LAS VEGAS – Speaking from her residency in Las Vegas, British singer-songwriter Adele has announced the release of a new single all about spending time at the mall, checking out cute boys, and just do...
Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus
OTTAWA – Local woman Marlene Kovach has decided to wait to return all her calls until she can do so in the middle of a bus full of other people. “Sure I could call my mom when I get home,&...
Canadian tradition of giving children hammers at birth pays off
PARIS – The gold medals won this week by Canada’s Ethan Katzberg and Camryn Rogers in the men’s and women’s hammer throw at the 2024 Olympics have been a welcome and unexpected payoff of the lon...
10 more accurate insults for Pierre Poilievre than ‘weird’
In a “let’s just do what our American counterparts are doing but worse’ move that would make even Canadian tv broadcasters jealous, the Liberals are trying to take the weird insult D...
Canadian oil companies bemoan regulations that keep them from being as evil as their US counterparts
OTTAWA – Canada’s top oil producers have issued a joint statement saying government overregulation is keeping the country’s oil industry from having the same negative output as their Unite...
5 tips for celebrating Saskatchewan Day, New Brunswick Day, Natal Day, Briti—wait, Natal Day? What the fuck?
HALIFAX – Another August long weekend is upon us, and whether you’re a Manitoban celebrating Terry Fox Day, a Vancouverite getting ready to enjoy British Columbia Day, or a Nova Scotian ringing in Nat...
Lucky boy in Olympic audience catches shot put
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