TORONTO – As Opening Day approaches, Toronto Blue Jays fans are outraged that Rogers will no longer be offering a distinct Blue Jays radio broadcast and will instead be replacing it with a simul...
Drug dealer shockingly bad at getting people drugs
TORONTO – With Ontario in the midst of a third wave of the COVID Pandemic, Ontario Premier and former hash dealer Doug Ford has proven to be absolutely terrible at getting residents the pharmace...
REPORT: Bed is now office
VANCOUVER – After working from home for the past year, local research assistant Sara Burton announced the results of her independent study confirming once and for all that bed is now office. “Ha...
“See, we do let gay men donate blood,” says Canadian Blood Services after quarantine forces thousands to be celibate for a year
OTTAWA – Health Canada and Canadian Blood Services bragged this morning that their controversial ban on accepting blood donations from men who have sex with men (MSM) “is basically no big ...
Which vax tracks and which ones are hacks? Our intern tries ALL the new Covid vaccines!
Hey there! Beaverton intern Alex Barnes here! Thanks to the Beaverton, I recently got the chance to try ALL the hot new COVID-19 vaccines in one WILD afternoon (don’t try this at home, y’all, I’...
Prince William named world’s sexiest bald man as if Mr. Clean isn’t literally right there
LONDON – According to a new study by Google, Prince William has finally been crowned king… as sexiest bald man. As if Mr. Clean wasn’t literally right there the entire fucking time. Eileen Holt,...
Ford applauds efficiency of press secretary/Sun columnist relationship
QUEEN’S PARK – Following the revelation of an undisclosed romantic relationship between OPC Director of Media Relations Ivana Yelich and Toronto Sun political columnist Brian Lilley, Premier Dou...
Theodore Tugboat gets stuck in northwest passage
ARCTIC OCEAN – This morning it was discovered that beloved East Coast icon Theodore Tugboat has been caught in a narrow portion of the Northwest Passage, resulting in a bottleneck of ships in th...
New Georgia law gives voters AR-15s to protect themselves from criminals trying to give them food and water
ATLANTA — The state of Georgia passed a new elections law on Thursday mandating all future voters be issued an AR-15 assault rifle to protect themselves from violent criminals trying to provide ...
Re-opening escape room owners find dozens of trapped corpses
WINNIPEG – As escape rooms around Canada get back to business, owners are discovering the emaciated corpses of players who couldn’t solve their puzzles when they were forced to close. “It looks like ...
