ATLANTA — The state of Georgia passed a new elections law on Thursday mandating all future voters be issued an AR-15 assault rifle to protect themselves from violent criminals trying to provide them with food and water while they wait in line to vote.
Republican Governor Brian Kemp explained that he had it on good authority that the 2020 Presidential election had been rife with illicit crimes, recalling such horror stories as a 90-year-old grandmother being given a lawn chair to sit in during her six-hour wait. He assured the public that, thanks to his bill, such heinous misdemeanors would never happen again.
“Gone are the days where thugs and fraudsters can steal elections by providing freedom-hating sustenance to honest people waiting to cast their vote for the Repub– I mean, for the party of their choice,” he announced proudly, signing the bill into office with a decorative pen shaped like a gun.
“Now, the folks of Georgia can aim to keep our elections fair AND aim to kill.”
Rob Flemming, a Georgia resident who has never voted before but “plans to start now,” stated that he was relieved to hear about the new law.
“You’re goddamn right I should be able to have a gun in line,” he enthused. “Who knows what could be in that bottle of water? That muffin? I heard from my friend Bradley who heard from his buddy Chester that he found a pamphlet for the Green Socialist Deal Party in a protein bar he got given in line last election.”
“I tell ya, if we had had guns then, the only thing handed out in line would have been freedom.”
The law also requires a minimum of ten pieces of photo ID in to vote absentee by mail, demands proof that a voter makes over $75,000 and lives in a “respectable neighbourhood,” and reduces ballot boxes in the state to a single box on Governor Kemp’s front lawn that opens with the password, “NRASimp4Life”.