REPORT: Bed is now office - The Beaverton

REPORT: Bed is now office

VANCOUVER – After working from home for the past year, local research assistant Sara Burton announced the results of her independent study confirming once and for all that is now office.

“Having examined the taxonomy of both bed and office, I’m confident in my findings,” stated Ms. Burton, while shoving a pile of reports off her bed to make room for a new pile of reports. “This is a huge evolutionary shift, not usually seen within a single calendar year.”

Ms. Burton admits she was surprised when bed became office, as she initially thought kitchen might be office, then couch, then toilet was the frontrunner for a couple weeks. Bed has now fully developed both primary and secondary office traits, including a laptop, crumpled post-it notes, mugs of old coffee covered by a thin film of mould, and a general sense of the banality of existence.

“There’s even a bowl of candy, which I put out for my office mates,” said Ms. Burton, who lives alone but still maintains an open door policy.

While there may have been a point back in November when the transformation could have been reversed, Ms. Burton confirmed the recent purchase of a lap desk was the point of no return.

“Adaptive changes are completely natural,” explained Ms. Burton, pausing to take a Cup O’Noodles from the office microwave on her nightstand. “This is exactly like when some of the girl dinosaurs in Jurassic Park became boy dinosaurs so life could find a way.”

Leading evolutionary biologists expect larger studies will reveal up to 60% of Canada’s beds are now offices, and experts are eager to extend this research to couples where both parties are working from home. “In that scenario, we expect bed would evolve into two office zygotes, and eventually the stronger office will absorb the weaker,” commented Dr. Elmer Throndsen. “Or the couple will break up when someone heats up fish in the office break room.”

At press time, Ms. Burton would not confirm the findings of her other experiments, but is hoping to announce soon that pajamas is clothes, bathroom is garden, and pizza is sex.