VANCOUVER – The Canadian Olympic Committee and the Canadian Paralympic Committee have partnered with the Alberta Beef Council to unveil the new athlete kits for the Paris 2024 Summer Olympics ma...
New Tim Hortons pizza made with 100% Canadian cardboard
OAKVILLE, ON – Heralding its new offerings as the culmination of nine years of intense laboratory research, Tim Hortons president Axel Schwan proudly announced that the franchise’s new lineup of...
Dogs embracing their bad boy side as sale of treats plummet
CALGARY, AB – As sales of dog treats have plummeted around the country, dogs are embracing their bad boy side. Ralph, the Labrador Retriever, had become accustomed to receiving multiple treats o...
Liberal budget promises 10 bajillion dollars to whatever thing you’re into
OTTAWA – The new Liberal budget was officially released yesterday, with the government unveiling a number of plans involving new programs and spending, including $10 bajillion dollars for whatev...
X employee takes extra shifts in Musk’s emerald mine to make ends meet
San Francisco, Zambia – Twitter née X programmer Terry Llyod has picked up a few night shifts in CEO Elon Musk’s emerald mine to pay off some of his rent. “It’s really my only option at this poi...
NHL to expand to every city in North America except Quebec City
NEW YORK CITY – The NHL has announced that every single metropolitan area with a population of at least 100,000 people in North America will soon be getting an NHL team, with the small exception...
OJ Simpson funeral to feature ceremonial televised white bronco chase
LOS ANGELES – With the passing of former football star and double homicide enthusiast OJ Simpson, the family has announced that the funeral procession will take the form of a highly-televised lo...
OJ Simpson dies surrounded by family members he didn’t murder
LOS ANGELES – Former American football star turned actor turned guy who was found liable for killings but not convicted criminally OJ Simpson has succumbed to a battle with cancer, surrounded by...
Canada suffering productivity crisis, says government that does nothing
OTTAWA – Canada is in the midst of a severe productivity crisis, warns a report from Canada’s federal government, who also does jack shit. “This is an issue that cannot be ignored,” said a spoke...
10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to Utah ...
