WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice. “That son of a bitch knew exact...
Security experts agree new password will never love you like the old one did
TORONTO – According to a study conducted by a panel of cybersecurity experts, your new password lacks the special spark of your old one and will never bring you the same joy. “Few people get through l...
Danielle Smith: Trudeau wants Albertans to have teeth and I won’t stand for that
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has written an open letter to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this week announcing Alberta’s intention to opt out of the new federally-funded dental plan ...
Critics praise “The Last Timbit” as the most edible product Tim Hortons has to offer
TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers of Tim...
Canadian hockey fans waiting until last five seconds of Game 7 before getting hopes up this time
EDMONTON – Thirty years into a Stanley Cup drought that has seen countless near-misses and heartbreaks, Canadian hockey fans have announced plans to wait until the last possible moment to be confident...
“You should root for the Oilers because they’re Canadian,” says man who has confused this with the fucking Olympics
TORONTO/CALGARY/VANCOUVER/MONTREAL/OTTAWA/WINNIPEG – Casual hockey fan David Hildebrandt was surprised to discover that you are not routing for the Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Finals, becau...
Supreme Court issues token reasonable ruling
WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supreme C...
Ontario Science Centre closes after roof in danger of collapsing under weight of Doug Ford’s bullshit
TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be closing t...
After weeks without water, Calgarians now smell like Edmontonians
CALGARY – After two weeks of restricted access to water for showers, laundry, and other acts of hygiene, sources have reported that Calgarians now smell like Edmontonians do all year long. “Jesus, it ...
Wealthy Canadians announce BMW X3 convoy to protest capital gains tax hike
OTTAWA – Wealthy Canadians have begun a ‘Freegains convoy’ to Ottawa in their BMW X3s in protest of the government’s plan to raise the inclusion rate on annual capital gains in...
