CORNWALL, ON – Jacob Ryland, 4th grader at Rose Elementary, got the best news of his life at 1:48PM last Wednesday when he was asked to pack up his things and go to the office to meet his mother...
Ford announces LCBO paper bags to double as his affordable housing plan
QUEEN’S PARK – In a bid to provide economic relief to struggling Ontarians, Premier Doug Ford has ordered the LCBO to return to providing customers free paper bags – a move that he n...
Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”
PALM BEACH, FL – In a video statement taped at his Mar-a-Lago country club, former President Trump assured voters that his firmly held stance on abortion is also whatever stance will create a su...
Bats announce plans to fuck shit up during eclipse
OTTAWA – With Monday afternoon’s eclipse expected to occur mid-afternoon, bats from across the continent have announced that they will “fucking just go bananas” during the flee...
NHL player declared legally dead before trade deadline expects to be ready for Playoffs
LAS VEGAS – Golden Knights player Connor Holmdenberg has announced he will be ready to play in Game 1 of the upcoming Stanley Cup Playoffs, despite the fact that he (and his 6.7 million dollar c...
Ford doubles down on refusal to build fourplexes until someone explains to him what they are
VAUGHAN – After Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced on Tuesday that he would give an additional six billion dollars to the provinces for housing as long as they allow fourplexes to be built,...
Carry-on luggage needs its own ticket says airlines
Pearson Airport, Toronto – In a recent announcement, the cash-strapped airline industry has announced that every bag will require its own ticket. Instead of overhead bins, retrofitted planes now...
Trudeau plan: rent will count towards credit score for houses that renters still can’t afford
OTTAWA – A new proposal from Justin Trudeau’s Liberals would allow renters to include rental payments when calculating credit scores, while bidding on houses that they remain hopelessly pr...
Passion play using distractingly hot Christ
OTTAWA – The passion play produced by Ottawa’s St. Francis Xavier Church has drawn attention and controversy this year by crucifying a total stud, according to aroused sources. “Dang, I see our Lord a...
Amazing! Bald eagles seen living in Toronto with zero roommates!
TORONTO – Local naturalists received a miraculous surprise last week after a pair of bald eagles were seen building a nest in Toronto, with zero evidence of having an unrelated roommate to split...
