PLANO, TX – Doritos, the zesty tortilla chip brand, has announced the launch of a new line of chips aimed at female consumers, a vaginally-inserted crunchless pink tube called the Ladychip. “We ...
Local man judged old enough for parents’ friends to swear around
EDMONTON—Local man Tim Creyer, 27, has reportedly been judged by his parents’ friends to have reached an age old enough for him to hear and participate in conversations using adult language “I was pre...
Puppy Bowl suspends black Lab for sitting during anthem
SILVER SPRING, MD – Causing a row in what was supposed to be a jubilant culmination of this year’s adorable puppies playing season, Animal Planet officials at the Puppy Bowl have suspended Coal,...
Inspiring! This woman kept a food journal of everything she ate except half of it
Fitness goals! Local woman Isabel Johnson has given us all a little bit of motivation with her commitment to forming better habits. Her approach? Keeping a detailed journal of at least 50% of all the ...
Eagles sign Colin Kaepernick for one-game contract to defeat Tom Brady, save football, America, just moments before you wake up
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In a surprise last-minute transaction, the Philadelphia Eagles have signed controversial quarterback Colin Kaepernick to a one-day contract that will allow him to lead the Phil...
Breaking: local man not as good at fighting as he thought he was before this fight
Langley, B.C. – Sources are reporting local man, Josiah Thompson, just realized that he was not as adept at hand to hand combat as he thought he was before engaging in it with another patron of ...
Woman on death row’s final meal request: “I don’t know, whatever you want”
RICHMOND, VA – When faced with the decision of selecting her final meal, death-row inmate Sherry Burns declared that she was “cool with whatever.” “All I wanted to know was what she wanted to ea...
Declassified memo alleges FBI investigated Trump Campaign just because they did a bunch of crimes
WASHINGTON DC — A bombshell memo written by the House Intelligence Chair alleges the FBI opened an investigation into Trump Campaign officials based solely on the fact they done an absurd amount...
Your girlfriend doesn’t want commitment, she wants you to be Rihanna
MISSISSAUGA – After numerous consultations with groups of women congregating in club bathrooms, irrefutable evidence proves that most women are dissatisfied with how un-Rihanna their partners ar...
Priest uses Thursday Mass to test out new material
BRAMPTON – During mass at St. Paul’s Roman Catholic Church this week, Pastor Callum O’Brien, 40, took the opportunity to work on some material he’d been wanting to play around with for a bit. “I...
