HALIFAX – In a press release this morning, the World Wildlife Fund declared that as a result of the immense popularity of affordable sushi and bland seafood salads, the imitation crab has offici...
Update: Friend with obscure, indie Spotify playlist secretly leading double life as Aqua groupie
HAMILTON, ON – New evidence has uncovered that your friend whose public Spotify account shows her listening to musical acts like Neutral Milk Hotel and Charles Bradley is in fact secretly plann...
Sidney Crosby: “I would never let my children play hockey. The risk of getting drafted by Edmonton is too high”
EDMONTON – With a growing number of concerns about the dangers of playing hockey, several notable names are speaking out against the associated risks, including NHL superstar Sidney Crosby. When...
Watch: Season 2, Episode 13
Watch the thirteenth episode of The Beaverton’s second season....
Study finds Boomers’ sex lives still haven’t recovered from Mansbridge leaving the National
TORONTO – A new study from a media research group has revealed that Peter Mansbridge’s retirement last year has caused a steep and, to date, permanent drop in the amount of sex being had b...
Vancouver landlord seeks tenants for room that doubles as arts space/film set/weed dispensary
VANCOUVER – In a posting on Craigslist, a Vancouver landlord has announced that he is seeking five tenants for a single bedroom within an already inhabited apartment. The 8” by 8” space, located...
Alberta escalates provincial tensions by deploying drunk Oiler fans to BC border
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Rachel Notley has added fuel to the fire with the BC government by deploying a division inebriated Edmonton Oilers fans along the border. Some 20,000 shitfaced fans we...
Leadership race gives Ontario PC’s choice between two qualified women and guy who beat up Marty McFly’s Dad in Back to the Future
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
Ginger Ale still number one recommended soda for your sore tum tum
TORONTO – After extensive testing in laboratories across the nation, Canada’s leading scientists have reported that due to its high content of fizzie wizzies and unparalleled yum yum factor, gin...
Local woman insists co-workers feel her cold hands
WANDERING RIVER, AB – Eyewitnesses are reporting that a 41-year-old local woman suffering from poor circulation spent most of yesterday morning trying to prove to her co-workers that she was col...
