DEEP SPACE – Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of h…
Intellectual instantly creates opinion from headline
THE INTERNET – Not letting irrelevant distractions like nuanced reporting or context interfere, a local free thinker on Twitter was able to demonstrate superior intellectual ability today b…
No one at Blue Jays game wants to be there
TORONTO – After arriving at the Rogers Centre for yet another grinder of a baseball game, sources report that literally no one attending the Blue Jays game today- including players, staff,…
Humpback whale unable to stop herself from eating delicious, delicious plastic bags
THE GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH – Stuffing her fifth one that day into her mouth, a local humpback whale found herself unable to stop eating those delicious, delicious plastic bags scattere…
Everyone at nude beach hideous
HANLAN’S POINT, ON – Exposing as much skin as humanly possible to the wrinkling effects of the sun’s ultraviolet rays, sources close to the situation at the clothing optional beach at Hanla…
Trump congratulates Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of UK
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reacting to a photo of Boris Johnson on a muted TV this morning showing, President Donald Trump called to congratulate actor Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of the …
Report: Millennials average net worth only 8000 likes
CALGARY, AB – Surveying the livelihood and stability of adults born between 1982 and 2004, a report released today has concluded that the net worth of the average millennial is only 8000 li…
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
OTTAWA – With negotiations dragging on until well-past 3pm, the nation’s parents say they have reached an impasse with their toddlers, who are steadfastly maintaining a strict no-nap policy…
NASA proposes bold new plan to terraform Earth
PASADENA, CA – Hoping to inspire the public, NASA announced a bold new plan today to terraform Earth, saying that one day, humanity may be able to realize the far-off, distant possibility o…
Doug Ford demands officer who carded Masai Ujiri be allowed to march in Raptors parade
TORONTO – Once again standing up for the rights of police officers everywhere, Ontario Premier Doug Ford demanded today that the unnamed officer who reportedly stopped and shoved team manag…