Biology: Virgin-ass Greenland shark doesn’t even hit sexual maturity until 150 years old

St John’s, Newfoundland — Despite melting polar ice caps and the global fish population plummeting, marine biologists across the globe have found themselves pointing at the sea, doubled ove…

Ukraine changes national anthem to ‘I kraine, you kraine, we all kraine for Ukraine’

KIEV – In a move that has Ukrainians hopeful for greater unity and world respect, the Ukrainian parliament has voted 412-38 to change the national anthem to a new song, entitled: I kraine, …

NRA announces appropriate time to discuss gun control was just then and now it’s gone

Fairfax, Virginia – The National Rifle Association announced that the appropriate time to discuss gun control had finally arrived. The moment came at exactly 6:45 ET this morning and lasted…

Ontario Medical Association apologizes for calling recreational cannabis a gateway drug by offering free opioid prescriptions

TORONTO – OMA President Dr Nadia Alam has issued an apology to all recreational cannabis users for calling the soon-to-be-legal substance a gateway drug and is offering free prescriptions t…

Canadians thankful they can’t name single Canadian Supreme Court Justice

OTTAWA – As Canadian families from coast-to-coast gathered together for thanksgiving, the vast majority took time to be grateful for the fact they never have, nor likely would, ever know th…

Ontario’s financial plan revealed to be stack of lotto tickets

TORONTO – Concerns about the budgeting focus of Ontario’s PC government were brought to the forefront again this morning, when it was revealed that the province’s financial plan consists la…

Editorial: I hate cannabis but I love dangerous speculative investing. What am I to do?

I despise marijuana. While the rest of Canada has decided to succumb to reefer madness, I still hold true to what I was taught in my health lessons at school and numerous all-star cartoon special…

Nation’s women ready to start the five stages of grief again tomorrow

OTTAWA – After processing the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance of the violence they faced today, women across Canada have gone to bed prepared to grieve the inevitable …

9 out of 10 boyfriends wearing shirts they just found somewhere they can’t remember

MONTREAL — In a study done by Concordia University, it has officially been proven that 9 out of 10 boyfriends’ shirts come from somewhere that no boyfriend can remember. Following years of …

QUIZ: Are you a good writer or do you just employ ostentatious adjectives liberally?

Chances are if you possess the literacy skills to read the following questions, you’ve also probably thrown together some letters to forms words in sentences to express your thoughts. Perchance a…