François Legault assures Muslim, Sikh, Jewish civil servants that they are free to wear crucifixes to work

QUEBEC CITY — Premier-designate François Legault has assured Quebec citizens that, since the crucifix is a historical symbol and not a religious one, civil servants of other faiths should f…

Desperate zoo hopes use of Jurassic Park font will spice things up

KINDERSLEY, SK – After years of failing to connect with the zoo-going public, the struggling Kindersley Zoo has made a last ditch attempt to combat lagging attendance and poor online review…

Archaeologists uncover ancient trove of friends made along the way

SAMAWAH, IRAQ – Hailed as perhaps the most precious treasure after all, archaeologists in southern Iraq have discovered an ancient cache of friends made along the way – a find as valu…

Woman’s sole purpose is to impress her teen neighbour with outfit

HAMILTON, ON — Local woman Sidney Danskin finally admitted the truth to herself, that her sole purpose in life is to impress her teen neighbour Maddison Nicks with her clothing choices. “I’…

Supreme Court reaffirms indigenous right to decades-long legal battles

OTTAWA – The Supreme Court of Canada gave its ruling confirming an indigenous communities right to incredibly long, drawn out legal battles with the federal government before their rights a…

Journalists interviewing Stephen Harper on his new book ball gagged as a precaution

TORONTO – Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper has launched his book tour by preemptively gagging any journalist interviewing him to avoid any unexpected questions. CTV’s Question Period ho…

Nation’s sweaty men demand arrest of weird summer weather

OTTAWA – Representatives from the nationwide coalition of Canada’s sweaty, clammy, and otherwise moist men have descended on Parliament to demand swift justice against this Fall’s unseasona…

Ontario PCs warn dealing pot could land you 4 years in Queens Park

TORONTO – With the imminent legalization of pot next week, Ontario’s provincial government has released new ads warning that illegal sales of pot could land them four years as a Premier. “T…

Doug Ford ends opposition to Carbon Tax after reading all 2,500 pages of UN Climate Change Report

Luke and the Panel (Nour Hadidi, Courtney Gilmour and Ryan Dillon) talk about how we’re all going to die! They break down why the most recent UN Climate Change Report is a warning that can&…

Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood

WHITEHORSE – A vote hungry municipal candidate roaming through the Whitehorse neighbourhood of Riverdale was safely removed by conservation officers yesterday. The 185 lbs pamphlet-wielding…