BREAKING: Whoever getting on elevator at 2nd floor better be on fucking crutches

EDMONTON – Slowing down just a bit too early to already be at the ground floor, sources inside a local apartment building elevator report this morning that the person who called the elevato…

Norm Kelly’s Twitter account revealed to be run by rapping cartoon dog

TORONTO – Ending years of speculation, he ghostwriter behind Toronto city councillor Norm Kelly’s wildly popular Twitter account, @Norm, was revealed earlier today to be local rapping carto…

Republicans praise thoroughness of blank piece of paper with “Kavanaugh FBI Investigation” written on it

WASHINGTON D.C. — Senators Flake, Collins, and the rest of the GOP are praising the FBI’s report on their investigation into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, which consists entirely o…

Edmonton hockey fans counting down the days until Oilers are mathematically eliminated from playoffs

EDMONTON — As the Oilers took the ice for their final exhibition game Saturday night, Jeff Kawchuk and Doug Mason stood behind the end boards beaming like kids on Christmas Eve. “175 days,”…

Don Cherry woken from cryosleep as NHL season kicks off

TORONTO – As puck drop on the 2018-2019 NHL season approaches, and the first Hockey Night in Canada only days away, CBC employees completed their annual duty of waking Don Cherry from the c…

CAQ insists religious symbol ban can’t be Islamophobic if it’s also anti-Semitic

QUEBEC CITY – Quebec’s Premier-elect Francois Legault defended his plan to prevent public servants from wearing religious garments as pro-Muslim, since it will be a detriment to a larger nu…

Conservatives: ‘If we had re-negotiated NAFTA we would have capitulated immediately but also gotten Canada everything we wanted’

Luke and the Panel (Jocelyn Geddie, Dave Barclay, Jen MacIntyre) make jokes about complicated international trade agreements! They break down why ‘USMCA’ is a terrible acronym (1:30),…

Will Canada’s dairy industry be affected by the discovery of a distant, earth-like planet that may produce and export milk?

OTTAWA – The discovery of a far-away dwarf planet on the outer limits beyond Pluto has many Canadians asking the same question: how will this affect Canada’s supply management system of its…

Dollarama already stocking decorations for your funeral

MONTREAL –  Despite the event being at least several months away, Dollarama, the nation’s largest dollar store chain, has already begun stocking decorations for your funeral. As early as la…

Modern day Scrooge McFuck doesn’t give out his wifi password to anyone

LONDON, ON – In a Dickensian turn of events, local miser Scrooge McFuck has refused to reveal the various characters that comprise his wireless network password to his “friend” that he hims…