KINGSTON, ON – A team of scientists at Queen’s University issued a press release yesterday stating that after a harrowing study, they have officially concluded that cool teenagers can smell when you’re afraid of them, and are definitely judging you for it.
“All our evidence points to a fascinating correlation between how old you are and how much you secrete Pubescenol, a fear hormone that teenagers are able to sense,” explained Dr. Sandra McNulty, sociologist and leader of the research team. “The further you get from your youth, the more terrifying teenagers become, with their radical ideas of saving the world from climate change, and their obsession with dressing like Tilda Swinton at Coachella.”
An unnamed 35 year-old dental hygienist agreed to be interviewed on the condition that her identity remain a secret, for fear of nearby teenagers finding out who she was and “talking mad shit” about her.
“I’m scared to even look at them,” she said in a hushed whisper, pulling the brim of her hat lower over her eyes to hide her face. “They always travel in packs; they’re loud; you’re never quite sure what they’re going to do or where they’ll be next- they’re like wolves, but more fashionable.”
“All their music sounds like death row inmates making ASMR over trap beats. I can’t listen to it without having panic attacks.”
Dr. McNulty admitted that the testing process was often emotionally challenging, as the teenagers in question would immediately pick up on the researchers’ deepest insecurities and mock them.
“One of our teen test subjects, who would only identify himself as ‘CJ’, described the smell of adult fear as being comparable to ‘whatever you old losers think smells good, probably Werther’s or some shit’,” she recounted, hands shaking slightly. “Then he told me that I ‘dressed like a toddler with Benjamin Button disease’. I’m still working through what that means with my therapist.”
At press time, the team was working on developing a spray that would, at best, block the hormonal fear smell, and at worst, serve as a deterrent when sprayed directly into the faces of approaching teens.
