VANCOUVER – In a surprising twist on an old holiday tradition, 33-year-old Artem Brasso found himself visited by more than just the classic three Christmas spirits this Christmas Eve. Shortly af...
RCMP warns of increased sectarian violence ahead of NHL’s new All-Canadian division
OTTAWA, ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed, property damage and general assholery due to the NHL’s creation of an All-Canadian division, the ...
Mistletoe gets off on watching
News in Photos....
Trudeau announces stars of Schitt’s Creek can now commit any crime without penalty
OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has declared that, due to their incredible international success, Daniel and Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara and Annie Murphy, are no longer bound b...
Local woman dies from blood loss after flossing for first time in 4 years
CALGARY – Mabel Doyle, a 24 year old graphic designer bled out in her apartment last Wednesday after attempting to floss for the first time in four years. “I’m the one who found her”, said Doyle...
Canada blocks travel from the U.K about 500 years too late
OTTAWA – Canadian officials have announced a suspension of travel from the United Kingdom due to safety concerns of people living on this land, approximately 500 years too late. “With this new s...
Local Jewish family concerned whether Chinese restaurants will be open for Christmas
THORNHILL, ON – With Ontario set to enter another lockdown this week, a local Jewish family is concerned about the pandemic’s potential impact on one of Judaism’s most cherished Christmas customs: eat...
Disinterested cat leaves gift card for dead mouse in owners shoes
VANCOUVER – In a stark display of feline frigidity, local cat owner Carly Munroe awoke Thursday morning to find a gift card for a dead mouse inside her slippers left by her cat, Mittens. Early r...
Ford calls for immediate action in 4 days
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his government is taking immediate action on a COVID-19 lockdown in the next 96-120 hours. “It was a difficult decision, but we’re swiftly acting within t...
Gingerbread-man trapped in gingerbread-house curses gingerbread-God
AURORA, ON – Early this morning, tiny whimpers were heard from a gingerbread-house as a gingerbread-man pleaded with his gingerbread-God to end his suffering. “Woe is me, that I labour each day ...
