OTTAWA, ON – The RCMP has issued a Media Advisory warning Canadians of an increase in bloodshed, property damage and general assholery due to the NHL’s creation of an All-Canadian division, the North Division. Since the pandemic has closed the border between Canada and the US to non-essential travel, the Canadian teams have been grouped together into a single public-risk nightmare division. The intensified competition between Canadian fanbases is sure to spill over onto social media, and inevitably onto the streets, cautions the RCMP.
“Take the Battle of Alberta and then multiply it by seven, because that’s how many Canadian teams there are,” said Cst. Abe Zalapski. “Quebec and Alberta already don’t get along so imagine what happens if Calgary knocks Montreal out of playoff contention? Or Ottawa beats anybody? There will be fury and riots. Worst-case scenario: If the Leafs win the division, it will make those “Toronto vs Everybody” t-shirts literal. Can the rest of Canada hate Toronto even more than they already do? You’ll find out in a hurry. We’ve already asked the government to restrict domestic flights and sales of Coors Light.”
Tensions between provinces have been building over a variety of political disputes in recent years and concerns about pouring the vinegar of hockey onto the baking soda of Canadian politics are very real. Internal reports suggest that the RCMP task force assigned to this is twice the size of their COVID response team, roughly eight people. Meanwhile, Maritime provinces are preparing to accept refugees from hockey-torn provinces.
Already, the public’s ire is building. “If the Jets have to put up with any bull this season, I will personally drive up and down the T-Can and start popping chiclets with my fists,” warned Winnipeg belligerent Belf Piché.
“The RCMP has spent decades trying to prevent this exact scenario. The Habs and Leafs have been in the same division for over 20 years. You think it’s an accident they haven’t met in the playoffs since then?” explained Zalapski.