TORONTO – In a press conference scheduled for Wednesday, the Toronto Maple Leafs are expected to announce that, after much deliberation, they believe giving Auston Matthews the captaincy is…
Tag: NHL
Calgary’s new Scotia Place joins ranks of iconic Canadian stadiums like Scotia Centre, Rogers Place, and Scotia Centre-Place
CALGARY – Calgary has unveiled the design of its new hockey arena and event centre, Scotia Place, which will share the same sleek and contemporary look as famous arenas across Canada like Rogers …
Franchise with amazing fans, likeable superstars determined to become league villains
EDMONTON – The Edmonton Oilers announced the hiring of Stan Bowman, the Blackhawks executive who helped cover up the sexual abuse of Kyle Beach by assistant coach Brad Aldrich, as part of t…
Report: going 2 years without getting paid millions to manage a hockey team sufficient punishment for abetting sexual abuse
NEW YORK CITY – Yesterday the NHL reinstated former Blackhawks staff Joel Quenneville, Stan Bowman and Al MacIsaac, confirming that 2 years is the maximum someone who covered up one sexual …
“You should root for the Oilers because they’re Canadian,” says man who has confused this with the fucking Olympics
TORONTO/CALGARY/VANCOUVER/MONTREAL/OTTAWA/WINNIPEG – Casual hockey fan David Hildebrandt was surprised to discover that you are not routing for the Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Finals, …
Oilers fans not sure what’s worse: losing Cup or realizing Leafs fans were right about how good Atlantic Division is
EDMONTON – Down 3-0 to the Florida Panthers, Edmonton Oilers fans report they don’t know what is making them feel worse: the possibility of being swept out of the Stanley Cup Finals, …
Oilers plan to damage Florida Panthers’ morale by forcing them to visit Edmonton
EDMONTON – With the 2024 Stanley Cup Finals fast approaching, sources close to the Edmonton Oilers have confirmed that the team has a new strategy for victory – namely, hoping the Flo…
NHL schedules Stanley Cup Final Game One for August long weekend
Sunrise, FL – The Edmonton Oilers and Florida Panthers are set to face off in the 2024 Stanley Cup Final, which will begin just over two months after the conclusion of the Conference Finals. Some…
“Teams in states with no income tax have an unfair advantage” says adorable rube who thinks NHL players pay tax like normal people
Windsor, ON – Local NHL fan/non-accountant Mark Wilinsky has determined that the reason teams like Tampa, Florida and Vegas are consistently good is because they play in states with no stat…
Celebratory Edmonton Oilers spray locker room with unrefined bitumen as they advance to Stanley Cup Final
EDMONTON – Following a 2-1 victory over the Dallas Stars, the Edmonton Oilers celebrated their advancement to the 2024 Stanley Cup Final by spraying their entire locker room with hundreds o…