EDMONTON, AB — Project manager Hank Johnson exceeded his personal email exclamation mark limit today before 10:00 a.m. local time. Johnson has grave concerns as to how he will get through the rest of his workday relying solely on periods and question marks.
In an effort not to seem cold or rude in their written communications, many employees report using an overtly friendly email style, often making liberal use of exclamation marks. “Reading a paragraph with only periods is like getting shot by a machine gun loaded with ‘fuck yous,’” says Johnson, who admits to using too many exclamation marks early in his career.
Ever since a supervisor mocked him for sounding like “a coked-out chihuahua” in emails, Johnson has limited himself to five exclamation marks per workday. But his streak may be coming to an end.
Johnson admits he got “a little careless” with his exclamation mark budget at the start of the workday, wasting one on a “Got it!” to a colleague sending a routine attachment, and a whopping two more during some witty email banter with Marco in Sales.
Johnson’s fate was sealed at 9:34am, when he received a pair of emails for which emphatic responses were unavoidable. “My boss agreed to my vacation dates and I simply could not reply with ‘Thank you, period.’ I may as well write, ‘Thanks for nothing, bitch face.’” Soon after, a group email arrived welcoming Paul in Accounting back from paternity leave. “Everyone was replying with 4, 5, 10 exclamation marks! I probably came off like a raging asshole using only one!”
Johnson hoped to get through the day using periods coupled with a cheerful, “work buddy” tone. He also planned to visit every cubicle to respond to messages in person, while smiling. He remains doubtful such efforts will be enough. “What if one of the VPs emails me? I need to sound like a team player, and a fucking ellipsis is not going to convey that!” said Johnson while looking for emojis he deemed appropriate for business correspondence.
Johnson’s coworkers, however, were notably indifferent to his plight. “His last few emails have been real snippy,” said one colleague.
Another agreed, “He just sent, ‘Thank you so much.’ I was like, Whoa! What’s with the sarcasm?”
