CALGARY – Mabel Doyle, a 24 year old graphic designer bled out in her apartment last Wednesday after attempting to floss for the first time in four years.
“I’m the one who found her”, said Doyle’s roommate, Claire Cannon, holding a newly purchased Waterpik. “She had just mentioned she watched an episode of Queer Eye and wanted to better herself, next thing I knew, blood was gushing out of her gums like she was flossing with a chainsaw and not a milimeter long nylon string.”
When contacted, her dentist, Dr. Marlon Reid, claimed to have warned her multiple times. He stated: “People think they bleed during their visits because I stab around in there with my little tools, but it’s actually because, like Mabel, people don’t floss enough.” When asked how to avoid bleeding when flossing, Dr. Reid replied, “flossing will help avoid bleeding.” Then, it was pointed out to Reid that flossing causes the bleeding. And he was all like, “yeah but flossing also prevents the bleeding.” Then we hung up on him.
Doyle leaves behind her Father, Geoffrey Doyle, a retired vet. “In my family, we got gums like tissue paper. It’s how my mum went. Her gingivitis spread to her heart. If only I’d been there to tell Mabel NEVER to touch a piece of floss, she’d still be with me.” Geoffrey Doyle will be speaking at tomorrow’s rally of Father’s Against Dental Diseases, (or FADD) tomorrow afternoon at Confederation Park.
“I don’t understand why she couldn’t just do what we all do,” added Cannon. “Don’t floss all year, then half-assedly do it before your dentist appointment so you don’t feel like you’re lying to your dentist.
Mabel will be buried in the Queen’s Park Cemetery next to her mother, Cecelia Doyle who passed away 6 years ago after sticking a Q-tip way too far into her ear that she touched her brain.