MONCTON – Michelle Javernick, nurse and mother of two, walked straight into the lush New Brunswick wilderness this week to restart her life after unsuccessfully attempting to spell “recommend” t...
Band reunites to play worst album in its entirety
TORONTO – Yesterday, seminal pop-punk act The Pressgang announced the band will reunite next February to play Elipsis – the group’s objectively worst album – in its entirety. H...
Woman who stopped using self-deprecating humor not really funny anymore
VANCOUVER- Authorities and loved ones of local woman Ashley Calpeski became concerned last week when she stopped saying self-deprecating things about herself and started being no fun. “Ashley isn’t t...
Serial Killer hoping to continue working remotely at least part time
HILLSIDE FALLS – Local serial killer, Stanley “The Hillside Reaper” Chisolm, has reported experiencing mixed emotions regarding the reopening of workplaces, hoping to maintain work-from-home for at le...
Grocery bag really excited to become garbage bag
OTTAWA – A report coming from the nation’s bathrooms and under the kitchen sinks have found that your plastic grocery bag is really excited to be used as a garbage bag. “Mih Yinkd hahhs ad...
Dad does dad thing
A CANADIAN SUBURB – Multiple sources are reporting that John Jackson, a local father of three, is going to spend the day performing an activity associated with his status as a dad. “I can’t wait to be...
Fake doctors take brave stand against real medicine
VANCOUVER – The B.C. College of Chiropractors, firmly rejecting the scientific method in favor of treatment by loud bone-cracking sounds, voted overwhelmingly against a vaccine mandate at their ...
Childhood home sold to lovely young numbered holding company
BRAMPTON – Local family the Feldmans have recently sold their beloved 2-story bungalow to a charming, newly-incorporated holding company. “Our family made a lot of memories in that home,” explai...
Unvaccinated Toronto Police officers on unpaid leave told that if they wanted paid leave they should have shot somebody
TORONTO – Over one hundred uniformed members of the Toronto Police Services who have not been vaccinated have been placed on unpaid leave after being informed they did not meet the brutality req...
Red Cross to support Alberta by airlifting Jason Kenney to another province
SHERWOOD PARK – In an attempt to quell the deadly fourth wave of COVID-19 still sweeping through the province of Alberta, the Red Cross has announced that it will be stepping in to offer emergen...
