AIRSPACE — Following lifting of mask mandates for air and train travel, passengers across Canada are finally free to reemerge into the sensual garden of pleasures waiting for them on the inside o…
Pandemic
Canadian government announces ten days of mourning for the 45000 Canadians who’ve died of COVID, jk, it’s for that one rich lady
OTTAWA – Canadians were shocked and gladened this week when the Canadian government finally acknowledged the immense amount of loss the country has suffered over the three years of the COVI…
Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots
LONDON, ON – In an effort to protect students and faculty against COVID-19 and being a buzzkill, Western University announced that everyone entering the campus must have had at least 3 shot…
OP-ED: You wearing a mask actually is infringing on my freedom by making me feel guilty and selfish
NOTE: The author of this op-ed has requested to remain anonymous (But not because I’m not proud of my opinion, okay?) I am a man of principle. It’s important to stick up for what you believe and …
Trudeau contracts COVID-19 again: “And this was the week I was gonna do electoral reform, too”
OTTAWA – Following the announcement that he has tested positive a second time for COVID-19, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau informed Canadians that this will unfortunately preempt the week he…
Citizens who needed instruction on how to wear a mask trusted to do own COVID tests
OTTAWA – In response to growing COVID-19 case numbers, Public Health Officials clarified that Canadians who have needed regular directions on how to properly wear a mask will continue to be…
Ontario pharmacies facing shortage of cold medicine for some reason
TORONTO – Pharmacies across Ontario are facing a shortage of cold-fighting household staples, and no one seems to be able to pinpoint the reason why. Across the province, residents are unab…
Delta and Omicron variants jealous that younger XE strain gets away with anything it wants
TORONTO – The Delta and Omicron variants are reportedly upset that they had to deal with the provincial government’s rules and regulations, whereas the younger XE subvariant gets to run wil…
5 return-to-office tips for not being recognized as a husk of your former self
Uh oh! Your co-workers haven’t seen you in person since March of 2020, back when you were a hopeful idealist with a pep in her step and a contagious joie de vivre. Now you’re an empty shell only …
End of COVID celebrated by blasting immunocompromised people out of circus cannons
TORONTO – Grateful Canadians are gathering each evening to celebrate the conclusion of the deeply unpopular COVID-19 pandemic with the 7:00 pm launch of immunocompromised people from circus…
