TORONTO, ONT – Local resident, Tom Anderson, who didn’t follow any lockdown rules, is about to get vaccinated before you. Awesome! “This pandemic has been very hard,” began Anderson, who ju…
Pandemic
BC apologizes for poor communication, says next pop-up vaccine clinic can be found “when moon and sun intertwine, where waters meet mountain’s spine”
VANCOUVER — After poor communication this week left dozens of people waiting hours for vaccines they would never get, BC Health Minister Adrian Dix formally apologized during the province’s lates…
Nova Scotia baffles experts by listening to them about lockdown, actually doing lockdown
HALIFAX – Experts are puzzled after scientists proposed a 2 week emergency lockdown, only to have Nova Scotian premier Rankin actually institute it, rather than ignoring them, lying to them…
Ford confident he can defeat public health crisis with civil rights crisis
TORONTO – Following a massive increase in COVID cases in Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has decided that the best way to defeat this unprecedented threat to human life is with an equally unprec…
Canada approves another vaccine that you won’t get for like six months
OTTAWA – The Canadian government is pleased to announce that Health Canada has approved AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine, yet another vaccine that most Canadians won’t have access…
Report: Guinness Book of World Records going to be extra bleak this year
LONDON, UK – An early preview of the 2021 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records suggests that the reference book will be much more grim than previous volumes, owing to the nature of…
Ontario Government claims true meaning of “essential” will only reveal itself to those who believe
QUEEN’S PARK – Asked by journalists what Ontario’s new stay-at-home order categorizes as an essential trip Premier Ford answered, with a twinkle in his eye, “If you’re fair of heart and tru…
Ford slams epidemiologist for anti-pandemic bias
QUEEN’S PARK – In a victory for public health, Premier Ford issued a statement condemning a member of Ontario’s Science Advisory Table for advocating on behalf of public health. A rec…
COVID restrictions forces billionaires to play non-human version of chess
MONTENEGRO – With pandemic restrictions putting strict limits on the size of gatherings, many plutocrats around the world are finding they must now play chess with the original pieces, as o…