CAMROSE, AB – Speaking to a rally in the closing days of this summer’s by-election, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre assured voters that electing him would ensure that they would never...
As strike looms, Air Canada thrilled to have new excuse to cancel flights
MONTREAL – Air Canada’s flight attendants have issued a strike notice, prompting the airline to swiftly embrace a new and exciting reason to cancel flights. “I’ve blamed flight cancellations on mechan...
Trump demands 20% gratuity for selling Ukraine to Putin
ANCHORAGE, AK – International political observers are stunned today after U.S. President Donald Trump made the controversial move of asking Russian President Vladimir Putin for a 20% gratuity, &...
Billionaire with doomsday bunker wants you to know AI great
PALO ALTO, CA – Artificial intelligence promises a bright future filled with ease, innovation and abundance, according to one of the several billionaire tech CEOs who has spent hundreds of milli...
Newfoundlanders use $500 wildfire payout to pay half a hydro bill
Salmon Cove, NL – In a stunning display of generosity, the Newfoundland government has given wildfire evacuees an unprecedented one-time payout of $500, covering 50% of a single monthly Newfound...
“I probably did something to it” says man whose back just like that now
KAMLOOPS, BC – Despite the fact that his age is clearly responsible for his persistent lower back pain, local man Alex Verders, 39, is reportedly clinging to the belief that an unexplained recen...
Mark Carney still answering question reporter asked 6 weeks ago
OTTAWA – In what is being called “a tsunami of words,” Prime Minister Mark Carney is still answering a reporter’s question posed to him at a press conference six weeks ago. Liberal MPs and staff are s...
How dare Tim Houston ruin my child’s favourite summer activity: burning down the province of Nova Scotia
By: Peggy-Anne MacInnis The Nova Scotia government’s ban on any human activity in the woods is outrageous and likely unconstitutional. It infringes on our god given right to enjoy the beauty of Canada...
New employee quits over fun fact pressure
EDMONTON – ABS Innovations newest hire quit today citing the immense psychological strain from the pressure of having to deliver a sufficiently “fun” fact about herself in her first week. Mica R...
Smelly man rebrands himself as savoury man
EDMONTON – Greg Abbott, a formerly smelly man, has decided to describe himself as savoury after many besmirchings of his scent. “Smelly is a childish insult that shouldn’t be used to describe a...
