WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S . President Donald Trump has threatened to halt the opening of a international bridge linking Windsor and Detroit, excluding Canadians from country that they have absolute...
OpenAI promises new safeguards to prevent suicide-related lawsuits
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Facing allegations that their ChatGPT LLMs have been responsible for numerous user suicides, OpenAI responded swiftly by insisting the company will develop new proactive meas...
USA wins gold at Super Bowl
SANTA CLARA, CA – Team USA is triumphantly announcing their third gold medal since the start of the Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics, in the much-watched Super Bowl event. “No other country ...
JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life
MILAN, ITALY – United States Vice President JD Vance was reportedly unaware of being booed during the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, due to the fact that he is already r...
Buck Martinez announces he is getting up, getting out of here, and gone
ROGERS CENTRE BROADCAST BOOTH – After spending over four decades with the Blue Jays as a player, manager, and announcer, Buck Martinez announced this morning that he would officially be getting ...
Media promises to only fall for the ‘maybe Poilievre has changed’ story 4-5 more times
“He’s the boy who cried ‘I’ll stop being an insufferable prick’ and we’re starting to think he doesn’t mean it.” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, Me...
Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father
BRANDON, MB – A new pregnancy-monitoring app, 9months, has gained popularity thanks to its carefully-analyzed gestational data which is shared with expectant mothers and completely withheld from...
WEATHER REPORT: Get ready for a wet ass February
Toronto/Vancouver/Winnipeg/Montreal/Ottawa/etc. – It’s official: We’re in for one wet ass February, fuckers. According to February experts, the shortest month of the calendar will also be the wettest...
Blue Jays to honour the moment Joe Carter chose a Rogers phone plan
TORONTO – The Toronto Blue Jays have announced plans to honour franchise legend Joe Carter with a statue depicting the iconic moment when Carter locked in a 100 GB mobile plan for himself and up to th...
Experts warn new film about divorced man doing stand-up may lead to more divorced men doing stand-up
MONTREAL – Experts are sounding alarms about the new film Is This Thing On, starring Will Arnett, warning how its depiction of a newly divorced man doing stand-up comedy to process his failed marriage...
