QUEEN’S PARK — After a poll announced yesterday that Doug Ford’s Conservative government was trailing behind the Liberals for the first time in almost a decade, a visibly sweating Ford held a press conference to announce that he will be filling the entirety of Lake Ontario with Ontarians’ beer of choice.
“Folks, me and my government hear you loud and clear,” the premier stated from the steps of Queen’s Park, mopping his forehead with a trembling hand. “You’re not happy with how things are going in this province in terms of healthcare, schools, housing, and loss of beloved cultural institutions. And that is why, starting tomorrow, I will be draining the lake and dumping literally whatever beer into it that will make those polls swing Daddy Ford’s way again.”
“Coors Light? Bud Light? Some disgusting IPA named something like ‘Roadkill Symphony’? Tell me what you want! As long as it’s beer-related! That’s all I know how to do!”
“Well that and corruption. But that seems to be the thing you’re mad about. So beer it is!”
Upon hearing the news, Ford allegedly ordered every single employee to stay late and brainstorm ways to win back the people who had somehow remained loyal to him despite his government slowly sucking the life out of the province over the last eight years.
“We tried to suggest things like ‘Stop trying to privatize healthcare,’ ‘re-open the Science Centre,’ and ‘admit you got played on the Thermé Spa deal,’” a Ford staffer confided after being promised anonymity. “But his eyes just glazed over and he started chanting ‘Beer, beer, beer’ like he was trying to summon some booze-related deity.”
“He told us he was working on renting the divers from Canada’s Wonderland to dive from the CN Tower into the foamy, hoppy depths of the new Lake Ontario in an attempt to woo over disaffected voters. I don’t think that’s physically possible, but he’s getting desperate.”
At press time, Ford had just been spotted attempting to privatize the entire institution of voting.
