TORONTO – In the latest in a string of branding acquisitions, telecom giant Rogers has secured all naming rights over Bell Canada. “When I think of Bell Canada, I think of a heartless, megalithic, amo...
Canada uses new sovereign wealth fund to buy Saudi Arabian soccer team
OTTAWA — Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that the first use of Canada’s new sovereign wealth fund will be to purchase a Saudi Arabian soccer team and festoon it with Canadian branding. “While...
“I’m tired of these goddamn tourists” says man whose financial existence depends on them
LUNENBURG, NS – Local resident and business owner Tyson MacNeil expressed his deep disdain for tourists this past Sunday, despite living a life that is only financially possible due to tourist s...
Andrew Tate says “chances of him visiting Canada are zero” after learning nation frowns on indicted sex offenders
BUCHAREST, ROMANIA – Notorious manosphere influencer and indicted sex trafficker Andrew Tate announced on his podcast that he will never set foot in Canada, specifically after learning the count...
Oilers fans furious that play they admit was a goal was called a goal
EDMONTON – In the wake of the Oilers loss last night, which has put them on the wrong side of a 3-1 series lead, Oilers fans are furious that the referees called Anaheim’s OT winner a goal...
Premier Ford breaks ground on new FanDuel Toronto Primary School
TORONTO, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was on hand as he and other school administrators broke ground on the new FanDuel Toronto Primary School for students in Junior Kindergarten to Grade 8 in...
Unstoppable technology of the future still begging people to use it
Silicon Valley, CA – Generative AI, the technology every company with a vested interest in saying so agrees will soon take over the world continues to have to beg users to try it. “AI is c...
Alberta announces move to 1950s time
EDMONTON — After weeks of speculation, Alberta’s United Conservative government has announced that the province will be moving to the 1950s on a full-time basis. “Many Albertans just aren’t comfortabl...
The Beaverton will buy Doug Ford’s used private jet for $7,000.00
TORONTO – In a special offer The Beaverton has graciously offered to let Doug Ford escape from his embarrassing ‘I bought myself a private jet with taxpayer money’ scandal this after...
Financial planner operating on strange assumption Gen Z client will have society to retire into
STRATFORD, ON ― Local financial planner George Fitzgerald had his first meeting yesterday with a new client, nineteen-year-old Ahmed Hassan, during which he repeatedly assumed the unorthodox premise t...
