Feds: Lululemon pants banned at citizenship ceremonies, hides women’s true shape
OTTAWA – Citizenship Minister Chris Alexander has declared all women wearing Lululemon pants will be prohibited from taking their citizenship oath stating that the pants clearly cover up th…
Local politician apologizes for arachnophobic slur
OSHAWA, ON – After a firestorm of controversy erupted around her use of the phrase ‘creepy-crawly’ last week, local MP Pauline Douglas has apologized for her arthropodist remarks. “I did no…
Edward Snowden sick of Vladimir Putin just wanting to hang out all the time
MOSCOW – According to sources, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is getting sick and tired of having to spend much of his day “chilling” with Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Snowden, who …
MADD to text drivers about the dangers of drinking and driving
OAKVILLE – Mothers Against Drunk Driving are reminding Canadians not to drink and drive by sending them a text message while they’re driving. “We think this is a great initiative to raise f…
Halifax, nation relieved to hear mass shooting plot was planned by white people and not terrorists
HALIFAX – A concerned community and country were sighing in relief yesterday after authorities confirmed the suspects involved in plot to kill as many innocent people as possible were just …
Valentine’s Day was invented by corporations trying to sell more Torque Aquiline Sexbots
By: Hank Egelman Valentine’s day is a Christian tradition first celebrated in the 17th century in honour of a martyred saint killed by beheading. But since then, it’s morphed from a simple religi…
Unemployed Sun News commentators quickly change opinion on employment insurance
TORONTO – Recently laid off Sun News Network commentators have strangely reversed their negative views towards the country’s employment insurance system. “I know over the past few years I’v…
12 cases where doctors will not assist suicide
Last week, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that physician assisted suicide can be legal in specific cases. Here are some reasons in which you cannot elect to end your life early. 1. As a cure f…
Single man buys special Valentine’s Day bag of Tostitos
CHURCHILL, MA – Local man Ryan Booker has finalized his Valentine’s Day plans this year by pre-purchasing the special bag of tortilla chips that he will eat on his own during the most…
Vancouver homeless man glad Tim Hortons owner doused him in water instead of shitty coffee
VANCOUVER – A homeless man who was doused by water by a Tim Hortons owner is relieved at not having been exposed to the chain’s brown caffeinated water. “Sure, I’ve suffered the indignity of havi…
