Local man dumped for Ryan Gosling .gif
TIMMINS, ON – Timmins resident, Gary Ramsey, was dumped by his girlfriend of 10 months after she found a superior partner in an animated .gif of Ryan Gosling. “Amanda [Gehry] doesn’t know w…
NSA using stored data to write coming-of-age novels
WASHINGTON – The latest shocking release from the Snowden leaks has revealed that the National Security Agency has been stealing the biographical details of American citizens for use in the…
Economic Action Plan signage most preferred insulation for homeless shanty towns
OTTAWA – After five years and more than $100 million of investments, advertisements for Canada’s Economic Action Plan have succeeded in becoming the material of choice when homeless Canadia…
Angela Merkel calls on Brazil to stop importing German goals
BELO HORIZONTE – In the wake of Germany’s 7-1 World Cup semifinal trouncing of Brazil, Angela Merkel called on Brazil to cut back on its importation of German goals. “This sort of imbalance…
Rob Ford’s sobriety coach enters rehab to work on anger issues
TORONTO – Hours after he lashed out and kicked a shirtless protester, Rob Ford’s sobriety coach Bob Marier checked himself into rehab to address his anger management issues and bad press. M…
House Republicans sue Obama for emotional distress brought on by his presidency
WASHINGTON D.C. – Leaders of the Congressional Republicans recently announced their intention to commence a lawsuit against President Barack Obama over the severe psychological harm and anx…
Local couple replaces sex with Netflix
TORONTO – Local couple Mark Lui and Shelby Hollande have begun substituting sex with streaming film and television on Netflix. Said 32-year-old Shelby, “When we first moved in together 5 ye…
Neymar injures 4th vertebrae after helping father carry heavy bags of cash
São Paulo, BRAZIL – Brazilian football sensation Neymar suffered another setback yesterday after the forward injured his fourth vertebrae helping his father carry large bags of cash. Neymar…
Red Hot Chili Peppers write coherent song lyric
After 20 years and millions of albums sold, Grammy winning recording artists The Red Hot Chili Peppers have written their first ever song lyric that actually makes sense. “It all started wh…
Dec. 6, 1917: Halifax explosion tragically delays shipment of military explosives
HALIFAX — An explosive collision between a Norwegian vessel and the SS Mont-Blanc, a munitions ship bound for France, has resulted in the tragic loss of countless high-powered military explosives…
