Patients wanting to reduce wait times for organs encouraged to buy NHL franchises

TORONTO – Following Eugene Melynk’s successful liver surgery, doctors are encouraging patients waiting for lifesaving organ donations to consider purchasing an NHL team, preferably one that…

40 minute hold with Rogers ends exactly as man starts to urinate

KITCHENER, ON – Well over half an hour into the hold Jason DeMark was placed on by Canada’s largest cable and wireless provider, his need to go to the bathroom finally overwhelmed him and he bega…

I love riding my Sea-Doo at the cottage vs. Thanks for ruining my peaceful holiday weekend at the cottage, asshole

Point: I love riding my Sea-Doo at the cottage By: Brayden Gregorsen I have worked hard to get where I am today. And you have too. That is why we deserve to live take pleasure in the simple thing…

Tough Guy Lobby launches campaign to reclaim tattoos from nation’s hipsters

WINNIPEG – Speaking from a national summit of the Canadian Tough Guy Lobby, spokesman Brick “Brick House” Hammers has announced a nationwide campaign aimed at reclaiming tattoos from Canada…

Plaid burka latest fad in Albertastan

CALGARY – The NDP’s majority win in the Alberta provincial election has had an unforeseen effect on the province, besides just turning it into a fundamentalist Muslim society governed by Sh…

Habs mascot Youppi publicly executed for the 10th year in a row

MONTREAL – An angry mob of Montreal Canadiens fans have carried out its 10th extrajudicial hanging, burning and quartering of its fuzzy orange mascot, Youppi! Condemned as a bad-luck charm …

Stephen Harper resigns admitting Prime Ministership ‘just an art project’

OTTAWA – Shortly after Chris Lloyd, the Conservative Party candidate running against Liberal leader Justin Trudeau in the Quebec riding of Papineau, turned in his resignation by stating tha…

Butterflies detained at border for possession of milkweed

LUBBOCK, TX – The annual migration patterns have been interrupted for a group of 50 monarch butterflies, who were detained at the US-Mexico border for suspected possession of controlled sub…

Elizabeth May botches ’22 Minutes’ audition

OTTAWA – Speaking at the yearly Ottawa Press Gallery Dinner, Green Party leader Elizabeth May’s off-colour jokes about Omar Khadr were later revealed to be an unsuccessful audition for the …

Ontario PCs down 8% in polls after reminding voters they exist

TORONTO – The Ontario Provincial Conservative Party took an 8% dive in the polls after the recently concluded leadership contest reminded Ontarians it was still around. According to the lat…