Vancouver homeless man glad Tim Hortons owner doused him in water instead of shitty coffee
VANCOUVER – A homeless man who was doused by water by a Tim Hortons owner is relieved at not having been exposed to the chain’s brown caffeinated water. “Sure, I’ve suffered the indignity of havi…
Study: 30% of Millennials already squatting in their dream homes
MONTREAL – A new study from McGill shows that Canada’s economy may be bouncing back, finding that nearly one-third of Millennials are already illegally living in million, or multimill…
Trudeau forgets to google ‘Eve Adams’ before welcoming her into Liberal Party
OTTAWA – Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau failed to conduct a google search on former Conservative MP Eve Adams before allowing her to cross the floor into the Liberal Party. “Oh, shit!” a wid…
Stonemill Bakery’s ‘Bread for Women’ same as man bread, but with 30% less dough
SCARBOROUGH – An independent investigation has found that Scarborough-based Stonemill Bakery’s new ‘Women’s Wellness’ pre-packaged bread is identical to the men’s va…
Healthiest option in office vending machine is Doritos
EDMONTON – A scientific survey of the available foodstuffs in your office vending machine has found that the most nutritious food item on offer is Doritos. “At first we thought, what could …
Harper calls for doctor-assisted suicide of Supreme Court justices
OTTAWA – After a Supreme Court ruling that will permit doctor-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients, Stephen Harper has agreed and will first start with the Supreme Court justices. “…
Serial killer just 200 victims away from being national hero
IRAQ – Personally and individually responsible for the painful deaths of more than a hundred human beings, Sgt. Jeff Grenner is over a third of the way to being a national hero. “I never go…
Conservatives introduce new cabinet minister, Mungo
OTTAWA – Shortly after the resignation of Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, the Harper government has introduced his seven-foot-eight, 482-pound successor, the Honourable Mungo. “Haurrgh…
Terrorists applaud anti-terror legislation for eroding much-hated freedom
OTTAWA – Militant Islamic groups from around the world have applauded Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s recently passed anti-terror legislation for chipping away at the Western-democ…
Canada Post replaces community mailboxes with single, massive country mailbox
THOMPSON – All Canadians will now be required to pick up their mail at a giant community mailbox located just outside of Thompson, Manitoba, Canada Post reports. Canada’s new and only mailb…
