CALGARY – Researchers at the University of Calgary have developed the first effective form of oral male birth control: a pastrami sandwich with extra onions. “We’re not exactly sure how it works...
Aleppo residents just feel super bad your favourite celebrities died in 2016
ALEPPO, SYRIA – Residents of the war-torn city of Aleppo in Syria, who have this past year become the victims of further atrocities in the form of random civilian executions, are strongly expres...
Chief of Defence Staff attacks military’s sexual misconduct culture with flanking maneuver, close air support
OTTAWA – Chief of Defence Staff General Jonathan Vance has announced a full-scale military operation involving all 68,000 Regular and 27,000 Reserves, which aims to destroy all elements of milit...
Kevin O’Leary asks Putin for same deal Trump got
MOSCOW – A travel weary Kevin O’Leary arrived in Russia’s capital this morning in order to ask President Vladimir Putin for assistance becoming Tory leader and then PM of Canada, jus...
STUDY: Willennials gettin’ jiggy with it less often than parents’ generation
WEST PHILADELPHIA – According to a new study released in the Journal of Comparative Demography, Willennials are getting jiggy with it less often on average than previous generations. “Parents ju...
5 Reasons Love Actually is a feminist masterpiece, as well as a Coded Map to Zorboth, the Intergalactic Shadow Realm
Christmastime is almost upon us, and if you’re like us, it’s time to get ready to re-watch Love Actually. The only downside of loving this British romantic comedy is how much flack it will get you for...
Science Minister Kirsty Duncan terminates escaped specimen on floor of House of Commons
OTTAWA – Moments after an escaped lab specimen burst screeching through the House of Commons doors, Science Minister Kirsty Duncan has euthanized it, with the assistance of a double-barrelled sh...
Conservative Candidate Profile: Kellie Leitch
Name: Kellie Leitch Background Leitch has taken a courageous stand against the Ottawa “elite”, who she coincidentally defines as anyone you also don’t like. She is often commended for pulling herself ...
String quartet charged after hotel room refurbished
OTTAWA – Following their sold out concert in the Nation’s Capital, notorious chamber music band The Opus Four have be heavily fined for tastefully redecorating their room at the Marriott. Accord...
America outraged at Russia: ‘manipulating foreign elections is our thing!’
Outrage in America this weekend as the CIA confirmed that Russia did in fact influence the results of the 2016 election. Not only is the US worried about it’s security, they are really ma...
