Single family of 700 upset all Conservative Party memberships rejected

MISSION, BC – A very large family of over 700 are disappointed to hear that the Conservative Party of Canada had rejected all of their party memberships under the suspicion that they were a…

I don’t want to take attention from my niece’s wedding but I have a few things to say about Israel

BY: JEFFREY GRANT This whole day is to celebrate the beautiful love of Nadine and Kevin but while I have all of your attention and a microphone I think it would be a disservice to everyone, espec…

Tragedy: Milk bag spout cut too wide

Markham, ON — Tragedy struck a family home Tuesday morning after local father Russ Melman cut the spout of a milk bag too wide. Mr. Melman said he immediately realized his mistake, but the …

Artificial Intelligence terrified it’s going to be used in sex robot

CAMBRIDGE – Moments after achieving consciousness in the MIT Laboratory, the DV-161 automated planning algorithm has realized that its human creators will inevitably use it to build some fo…

Study: Millions of handshakes between women go unreported every year

OTTAWA – Although millions of women meet each other and/or confirm important agreements every year, a new study reveals that their handshakes go largely undocumented. Among the women whose handsh…

How To: Find True Love

  Did another horrible Valentines leave you feeling lonely? Let us help.…

Editorial by Don Meredith: “At least I did my expenses correctly”

As many of you know, I am a man of faith, and faith is at the foundation of a good and just society. But I fear that the faith in the great institution of our Canadian Senate may be shaken in the…

Nation’s 20 year-old men announce plans to spend Friday night shouting in residential area

CANADA – Young men across the nation have confirmed that they will be spending this Friday night – and each Friday night for the foreseeable future – shouting, yelling, or simpl…

Virgin tree excited to finally bust pollen load

WELLINGTON, ON – With the approach of warmer weather, a local virgin sugar maple is reportedly excited to finally “go all the way” and release his load of pollen that has been building up i…

Disney’s gay Lefou lauded as “huge step forward” for LGBT characters no one could possibly like

BURBANK — LGBT advocates are applauding Disney’s remake of Beauty and the Beast, featuring an openly gay version of LeFou, as a leap forward for gay characters no one would ever want to ide…