Bannon steps down from Breitbart to spend more time drinking alone

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Steve Bannon, former Chief Strategist for President Donald Trump, will be stepping down as Executive Chairman of Breitbart News so he can devote more of his time to drink…

Government urges people to stay out of the woods during yeti mating season

BANFF NATIONAL PARK – Provincial wildlife experts are warning hikers, skiers and snowmobilers that we’ve entered the most active period of the Yeti mating season and forestested areas are n…

Toronto’s homeless are probably fine now that it’s only -10 out, right?

BY: HANK LANGMIRE This past week I was shocked and disgusted after reading about how the city totally failed to provide our homeless with adequate shelter from the extreme cold. It was shameful, …

St. Francis Xavier’s pinky finger curls ominously after parishioner makes first wish

Antigonish, NS – Reports indicate that the relic of St. Francis Xavier has curled back one of its digits after a man reportedly made a wish for $200,000 to pay for his mortgage. “I warned y…

Local mom summons Pinhead after completing Candy Crush Saga

LONDON, ON—The van der Kleij family is distraught after Linda, a stay-at-home mom of four, was forcibly removed to the Cenobite dimension after completing Candy Crush Saga. “She played that game …

Fire and Fury revelations most damming evidence against Trump’s competence since everything else in his presidency

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

Loblaws accused of price-fixing scheme on apology gift cards from last price-fixing scheme

Brampton, ON — Grocery chain Loblaws, which recently offered $25 gift cards to apologize for a nationwide 14-year-long price fixing scheme on bread, has been accused of subjecting the gift …

Please stop offering me the “Pee Tape”

EDITORIAL by Robert Mueller, former FBI Director  As special counsel for the Department of Justice, I’m aware that the details of my investigation into the Trump campaign are vague. The ver…

Magnanimous man takes break from thinking about himself to think about those who might benefit him

Red Deer, AB – Red Deer resident Patrick Stoara took a brief respite from thinking about himself to think about those who might be able to help him in some way. “With social media we live i…

Harper government offers official apology to victims of long-form census

An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. June 10th, 2010 OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has issued an…