Page 571 – The Beaverton

Ontario PC party says it wasn’t fear-mongering to describe refugees as fire-breathing, 12ft tall bat-creatures

TORONTO – Lisa MacLeod, Ontario’s new social-services minister, says she wasn’t trying to stoke anti-immigrant fears when she described all refugees as huge demons whose breath can reduce a cow ...

Climate wondering how much it has to change before humans notice

EARTH — After breaking records with sweltering mid-summer temperatures, the Climate for the planet Earth is reportedly at a loss as to how much it needs to change before eliciting any response f...

History buff not old enough to have lived through any meaningful history

OTTAWA – Young history fanatic Eric Guzan spent yet another day bemoaning the fact that he was not conceived at a more exciting and meaningful point in history. “Everyone knows that the present ...

Bike thieves demand separate bike-thief lanes

KAMLOOPS, BC – A group of bicycle thieves are petitioning the local government to construct more protected routes for those who regularly steal bikes. The group of small-time criminals say it’s ...

Pervy breeze caught blowing up dozens of skirts

SYDNEY N.S. – Footage has emerged on social media revealing a nefarious breeze reaching up the clothing of dozens of different people to tickle or caress their bare skin without consent. A dispr...

Studio pulls Mission: Impossible – Fallout from theatres after realizing it has the same female character as the last one

LOS ANGELES – Paramount Pictures is pulling the latest Mission: Impossible sequel from theatres and promising refunds for advanced ticket sales after concluding it was antithetical to the spirit...