Toronto, ON – Addressing the media today, Ontario Premier Doug Ford presented compelling new evidence that bicycles – not cars – are the main cause of congestion in apartment building hallways. “My b...
Everything Doug Ford was happy to do without asking for a Mandate from the electorate
Doug Ford has announced Ontarians will go to the polls this February. Even though he is only 2.5 years into his current regime, Ford says he needs “a strong mandate” from the people to dea...
China’s new and cheaper magic beans shock America’s unprepared magic bean salesmen
NEW YORK CITY – America’s magic bean market is in turmoil after a Chinese company unveiled a competing bean that’s less than one tenth the price but still just as useless. “DeepBean’s new beans only r...
US tariffs prompt Canadians to stock up on smuggled handguns
WINDSOR, ON – With president Donald Trump threatening to impose blanket 25% tariffs on all goods crossing into the United States, Canadian citizens are hurrying to stockpile illegal American han...
Problematic but brilliant doctor who plays by his own rules will put your new liver where he damn well pleases
TORONTO – Renegade doctor Lance Falcon is shocking the medical establishment with his brilliant but wildly unorthodox thoughts on where your new liver should go, according to dazzled reporters. “My so...
Record-breaking Prince Edward Island manhunt enters 3rd hour
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – Law enforcement officers have confirmed that an ongoing search for an escaped convict, nearing 3 hours, is slated to be the longest someone has been able to evade the author...
Doug Ford announces snap election with ballots printed on backs of $200 cheques
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Ford announced today that he will call for a snap Ontario election, conducted entirely via mail-in ballots which have been conveniently printed on the backs of the $...
Homeowner hopes $5K window can double as wifi booster, life coach, or leader of the Liberal Party
CALGARY AB – Homeowners Wendy and Amir Fam were left wondering what else the $5,000 window could do as they gazed out their new state-of-the-art triple pane glass. Initially, they took turns loo...
Pentagon continues to claim there is no evidence of TikToks obsessing over UFO sightings
TikTok, ON – The Pentagon has received hundreds of reports of new sightings of people obsessing on TikTok over UFO sightings, but continues to downplay the possibility that these videos exist. “...
Billionaire known for stealing people’s ideas debuts totally new, original salute
WASHINGTON D. C. – Attention seeking billionaire and human husk, Elon Musk, known for co-opting other people’s ideas and profiting from them, came out at President Trump’s inauguration to debut a new ...
